Dear Husband, I Just Can

Dear Husband, I Just Can’t Tonight

Editor’s Note: The content of this article is graphic in nature and may be a trigger for some individuals.

To my darling husband,

I love you, but I just can’t tonight. I probably won’t be interested tomorrow night either, and let’s be real, probably not this month. You’ll be lucky if the most naked you see me is either in the shower or the toilet – the most visited places of our home (apart from our bed).

The other day our son said to me that Daddy’s favorite thing in the world is beer and when I innocently asked him what Mama’s was he responded oh so accurately – BED AND SLEEPING!! Whilst you haven’t always gotten to see the best of me, you haven’t also had the pleasure of seeing the worst of me either and it’s pretty bad now!

Having had a bum that was like a volcano of poison, death and destruction (up until I had surgery to remove my colon and bumhole) has kind of put me off FOR LIFE anything that is remotely in the vicinity of it. I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of my self-diagnosed “Post Traumatic Butt Disorder.” I swear it’s a legit thing!!!

The pains that explode in my belly that I’ve yet to actually distinguish as needing a poo or a fart and, lets be honest, its not a risk I can take! I don’t want to shart on you while you’re pressing and humping away!

Darling, don’t you understand that it hurts? All over! I need a massage, my muscles hurt and ache from sleeping and functioning. For god sake, my love, will you please close the door when you’re on the toilet! My bowels are rotten but I’m sure you smell worse than me! See, why would I want to have sex with you now?!!

My lover, my best friend and constant annoyer. I wish that you’d understand. In fact, I’m happy to swap places with you and see how much you’d like to be pestered when you are sure that you poo so much it’s become your perfume?!! Oh you have had Gastro so you “get it”!.. *insert deep breathing and refraining from punching*

And the next time you even think to ask about anal, I just may stab you with a rusty fork – up your bum! ;P Well, lucky for me I don’t have one – so there! I win!

Now leave me alone! Don’t you know that married people aren’t supposed to have sex anymore and you’re married to a diseased wife so thats on you! haha! It’s all your own fault. Go see mrs palmer.

Love Always

Your Crohnie Wife

xx

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