thinker on a toilet

Deep Thoughts from the Bathroom

Stuck in the bathroom. Anxiously glancing at the baby monitor every few moments. Hoping and praying my son sleeps a little longer. Contemplating whether it’s time to take a pain pill. Concerned that this could be the start of something brewing. Knowing I’ll undergo a colonoscopy in a week and dreading the results.

This is an inside look at what it’s like to be a mom while battling inflammatory bowel disease.

Every waking moment you fear for the worst, even when you try to stay positive and keep your Crohn’s from taking control.

It’s different now. Now I’m a mama. It’s not all about me and my health. It’s about him. My nine month old son who depends on me for everything. The stress of needing to stay healthy can feel almost suffocating at times. Even on good days, I wonder how much longer I have until the next bout of pain that takes my breath away. You stress about the stress. Crohn’s is always lurking. No matter how long it’s been since your last hospitalization or how many doctors tell you that you’re in “deep remission”. Every single day when you look in the mirror you wonder if today is the day it’s going to rear it’s ugly head.

I have dinner plans in less than two hours and I can’t get off the toilet.

Let alone even start to think what it will be like having to eat and drink like everyone else, with a smile on my face. There’s no way I’m going to cancel. I haven’t been out of the house in days and we’re celebrating a family members birthday. Once again it’s not about me, it’s about them.

My sweet boy is still sleeping. I’m so grateful for these moments to re-group and catch my breath. I’m so grateful I’m not having to make him wait and cry to eat because mommy can’t seem to get things under control in the bathroom.

My make up is on. My hair is curled. I’m all dressed. You would never know what I’m going through.

They will never know. I flush the toilet multiple times. This never ends. Each day feels like groundhog day when you’re in the thick of dealing with symptoms and a flare up not serious enough for the hospital, but enough to rock your world and everybody in it.

You wonder why. You look around the bathroom. Fixating on something, anything to distract you. To bring you back to earth. To calm you down. Doing everything you can to tell yourself, “it’s going to be ok…you’ve been here before.”

He’s up. Thank goodness he stayed asleep and didn’t need to witness all of this. Even though he’s a baby and is oblivious now, there will come a time when he’s a little boy, wondering why mommy can’t come and play. For now, I’ll take care of my baby and then walk into the restaurant tonight and it will just be like any other day. And only I will know.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The InflammatoryBowelDisease.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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