If I Didn't Have Crohn's Disease…
The other day in the middle of dinner I excused myself to go to the restroom. This was not a unique moment in time. But when I sat down on the toilet, I realized that my phone was still charging in the kitchen and that for the first time in a long time, I didn't have anything to distract me.
This felt awkward. Challenging. I was in a half bathroom, so there weren't even shower products to read.
I used to joke that I did my best thinking in the bathroom, but then smartphones (and tablets and books and magazines and a million other things) became much better options. This time, I was left alone with my thoughts, and I found myself daydreaming of what life might be like if I didn't have Crohn's disease. Something I hadn't let myself think about or even consider for years...
What if I didn't have Crohn's fatigue?
I could sleep... for a full night... without getting up to go to the bathroom, or needing to take pain medicine, or fumbling to find my heating pad.
I might wake up in the morning, feeling rested, no longer saddled with the crippling amount of autoimmune fatigue I've come to terms with.
What if I didn't have to take medications?
I wouldn't have to take a handful of pills every morning, and every evening too. Prescriptions might be a thing I knew little about, just like insurance requirements and/or pharmacy benefits.
Pill containers, seven-day medication counters, med timers, and trackers would be an industry I'd never explored. I wouldn't be able to recommend my favorites, the most durable, or the most reliable brands or options to family members and other patients.
I'd hardly know about IVs, I wouldn't have a power port implanted in my chest, and I wouldn't have to block out one day every 5 weeks for an infusion + side effects. I wouldn't know about the fears of being on a biologic medication, or the constant worries that the medication may stop working.
What if I didn't have to deal with doctors and pain?
My iPhone directory would not have 20+ doctors' offices and numbers stored, with several bookmarked as favorites. I wouldn't know my doctors, their nurses, and their office staff by name.
I wouldn't be able to describe the most painful moments of my life as feeling like knives were serrating my insides, that I'd swallowed fire or that I was possibly dying. Maybe it would be childbirth that qualified as most physically challenging, or maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have anything to fill in this blank.
Will the future be brighter for others with Crohn's?
I started thinking more about this stream of thought.
About how nice all of the things above sounded. I wondered if, in another life, a cure will exist for Crohn's disease, and people who get diagnosed will also get treated, not just managed, and maybe my daughter or her children might be less impacted by IBD than I have been.
But, then the other truths started popping up in my mind.
If I didn't have Crohn's disease...
The things I would miss without Crohn's disease
I wouldn't know how to process half of the challenges that 2020 alone has brought into my life. I wouldn't be adept at feeling emotions about physical or mental health challenges, processing those feelings, and creating a new action plan.
I most definitely wouldn't be medically literate to the same degree, even after obtaining my Master's in Public Health. I wouldn't be able to help my friends and family members advocate for themselves after accidents or illnesses that required medical care.
Without Crohn's disease, I wouldn't have met many of the people closest to me - and for that alone, my life would be a huge deficit.
Crohn's has made me who I am today
Crohn's disease has been anything but easy, but in thinking about a world without this disease, I'm also able to see how much it's forced me to grow into a freaking warrior, and I'm really grateful for the grit and grace I've learned along the way.
If you've daydreamed about life without IBD, what stood out to you most?
If you've thought about your silver linings, I'd love to hear those too.
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