Why Did I Eat That?!

By Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford

3 min read

You might be wondering why I haven't learned what I can and can't eat by now. The thing is, I have. I do know what bothers me. So why do I still eat it?

I preempt the pain, looser stools, increased wind, and I take meds in advance. Yet I still often find myself feeling shocked when the pain actually hits, and it's THAT bad. Or when I am sitting on the toilet into the early hours of the morning, just passing liquid.

I've had ulcerative colitis since 2007, and between then and now, I've had many periods of not being able to eat certain things.

What I can and can’t eat has changed a lot throughout my journey. Surgeries solved some of the issues such as strictures and diseased parts of the bowel, but still, some of the same problems recurred and caused more issues with different foods!

Eating things I know will cause me pain

Whatever the cause was, I always had days where I was just like "F**k it. I am in pain anyway, so what’s a little more?"

I would try to be as sensible as possible, so if I knew something was going to result in me being stuck on the toilet later (or sometimes immediately), I would eat it at the weekend when I knew I wasn't going anywhere.

I would also eat it earlier in the day, so it didn't interrupt my sleep. Same with if I knew something was going to cause a lot of pain. I would wait until the weekend because I knew I could take more pain relief because I didn’t need to concentrate on work or anything else.

The longer the rough patch was, the more frequent it would become. I would literally spend every weekend at home gorging myself on the food I actually wanted to eat, rather than the "safe foods" I had to stick to all week at work.

Why do I put myself through pain?

I guess most people would wonder why someone would willingly choose to put themselves through pain, constant toilet trips, and sleepless nights.

My mindset was that my working week was something that simply HAD to be done, so it was my reward to myself for dragging myself in every day when it was genuinely the very last thing I felt like doing!

That said, plenty of times I would ask myself if it was worth it, knowing the answer was a resounding no!

I'm fully freelance now, and I don’t have anywhere near as many limitations as I've had in the past. Working from home definitely helps, in some ways, but it can also make me feel a little too brave on occasion, resulting in me eating something questionable during working hours. That doesn't always end well...

Eating UC trigger foods by accident

There are also still times when I might eat the wrong thing by accident. A few months ago I swapped out normal rice for cauliflower rice for an evening meal. I still don’t understand how I'd not realized at the time that I just had a plate of vegetables and fish.

I know I need carbs when I eat vegetables to bulk up my stoma output, so how did that one slip past me?! I ended up awake well into the early hours as I waited for my stoma to stop gushing liquid!

Is it worth eating things that cause UC pain?

Then, there will be the odd occasion where I have just pushed it too far with the number of veggies, or some random item has caused me pain.

All of these things result in me questioning: "Why did I eat that?!"

The answer is simple – sometimes, it's worth it.

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thedancingcrohnie Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="2276597" username="Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford"/> , I can relate to this so much! I do this as well. Sometimes I just crave a trigger food badly and you know what, I just eat it. Why? Because it's delicious. And for that moment, I feel normal again. I feel like my old self. I think when we do this sort of self-sabotage move, it's more of a mental thing than anything else. We are just trying to feel like our old selves again. And it's also a control thing or a way to rebel. So much is constantly taken away from us so having a little slice of pizza is a way to say, well you aren't going to take this away from me. At least that's my take. Thanks for sharing! You aren't alone. -Elizabeth (team member)
1. Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford Moderator & Contributor
 Definitely partly a control thing for me! ~ Sahara (team member)
RHall Community Admin
Hi Sahara I think when you describe how sometimes you eat something you know will later cause trouble because you're in a screw it mode, many can relate to. My Mom has IBD (which I found out recently actually) and she talked about sometimes doing the same thing. I asked her why she still ate it sometimes and she said sometimes all of the effort and mental energy that goes into trying to map out what to eat and when was frustrating - so it almost felt for her like an act of rebellion/expressing freedom to eat what she wanted, even though the logical side knew it could lead to hurt later on. I'm not saying that's your experience but that's what it reminded me of! Anyway, thanks for sharing this! -Reggie (IBD.net Team Member)
1. Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford Moderator & Contributor
 I defo relate to that <inline-mention user-id="2271343" username="ReggieHall"/> ! There's an aspect of control too, which <inline-mention user-id="2240052" username="thedancingcrohnie"/> mentioned below! ~ Sahara (team member)
crohns4573 Member
Sahara, I know what you mean. I eat wrong sometimes. I feel it's rebellion. Get weary of being tied to limited foods, lots of meds. If you have family or friends who might question your choices that makes me angry I want to say, on a bad day, they should try living this way. It's a weighty responsibility. My body is in charge, not me. So, I decide to take charge for a meal and then pay the price. Our bodies never reward us for our constant discipline. Other body activities do reward good behaviour but not ours. It's so finicky. And usually no one can tell what is going on.
1. Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford Moderator & Contributor
 A few people have commented and said it's about rebellion or taking back some control, and I think it was definitely a bit of both for me! Yes, I have had a fair few comments when eating out, just because people don't understand I guess. Not that that makes it any easier. I have been accused of having an eating disorder and all sorts! Definitely agree with you about often feeling like our good behaviour is not rewarded anyway. It doesn't just sod off because we are doing what we should, does it?! ~ Sahara (team member)
Matt Nagin Moderator
I do this as well. Sometimes I have a craving for something I know might bother me but proceed to eat it anyway. This is not good but I get too tempted I guess. I guess we are only human! Be Well, --Matt (Team Member)
Oltoothless Member
...and sometimes I'm just a defiant six year old. My wife tries to help me keep track, and make good choices (bless her heart); but a tired, cranky, hurting 54 yo man will still look you in the eye and keep pouring the hot sauce! Extra onions? Why not! Then later, when I'm curled in a ball, moaning like a cartoon ghost, she'll lean over sweetly, and say: "Do you mind, I can't hear my show."
1. thedancingcrohnie Moderator & Contributor
 Well you aren't alone in being defiant, that's for sure. We are only human. We all do it--see a food we crave, know it will hurt us later but eat it anyways. The worst is the feeling you get while going through the pain and kicking yourself mentally for doing it. -Elizabeth (team member)