I am pretty sure this is what dying feels like....

I'm pretty sure this is what dying feels like...

It's weird. I'm awake and I'm breathing but I'm spinning down into the dark.

Laying on the bathroom floor in pain

You'd think that I've been murdered in my bathroom. There's so much blood. Oh, wait, no, that's my bowel disease.

My body is bruised, battered, bent, and broken, but my skin bares no visible marks. In fact, you can barely see the pink in my skin anymore.

I'm not even sure what day it is or how long I've been laying on the floor. It feels like days and I'm going back and forth in my head about the best use of my valuable energy reserve; scream for help or crawl?

Cramping and all-consuming pain from Crohn's

Breathing hurts my hair fibers and as much as I'm used to this consuming pain, I feel like I'm dying inside and becoming numb. There's no other choice but to save others from me and to isolate myself further. I have nothing further to give myself, let alone them.

Waves and waves of cramping pain fill my body and I'm drowning in the poison. They say that drowning is supposed to be a peaceful death and unfortunately my version of this is only metaphorical. The only peace I get is seconds after passing the poo poison from my body, but just as quickly as it went, it comes back.

The drowning is feeling consumed and out of control. Your own body is against you and is torturing you from within. Confusion and nothingness are a huge part of life and then the doctors come and I become further nothingness and confusion. I'm lost in my disease.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Breathing used to easier, right? I'm not sure I remember a day or moment without pain anymore.

Despite my internal pleas, my body won't give in and give me a moment.

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired too?

Sometimes, death just seems so much easier than what I am living.

I remember feeling like every single part of my being was being disintegrated from within, by my Crohn's disease and that I was at its mercy. The cramping, vomiting, and everything in between caused by the disease or the drug side effects were taking away my will to live.

Surgery saved me

There was no giving up though. I didn't even have the energy for that. When I had reached the breaking point, my Gastroenterologist gave me that moment to calibrate.

Surgery was performed to remove the diseased bowel.

Surgery wasn't smooth but I pulled through.

I now had a stoma and an ileostomy permanently attached to me. As predicted, the surgery gave me that moment to catch my breath and to find the energy to keep fighting.

Fighting against Crohn's

Crohn's tried to kill me, continues to try occasionally, but I can control the environment. If I can't fight it, I now have to make sure that my team can fight it for me.

When others tell you how amazing you are and that there is no way they'd ever cope with it, smile and take it as someone telling you how much they admire and how epic they think you are. We all know they'd have as little choice as we do, but occasionally allow yourself to enjoy that well-earned admiration.

Keep fighting. Maybe a cure is around the corner. We need us all around to enjoy it.