Feeling Beaten Up After Surgery
Without boring you all with all the medical things I have gone through over the past 16 years as an inflammatory bowel disease (Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis) patient, including fighting beyond belief over the past few years before I finally got some answers, I will just say: it has been a lot, with more frustration than I have known how to handle.
15 major operations for ulcerative colitis
I am also going to be honest in that aside from writing one post about my ostomy turning five years old in July, this is the first thing I am writing since my 15th major operation on June 9th of this year. To be very blunt and real with you all, writing that article set me back mentally a little bit since it forced me to relive a lot of things from the past when I am trying so, so hard to focus on one day at a time right now.
The painful aspects of life with UC
I am pissed off. I hate those doctors and people in my life who didn’t believe me when I was constantly saying there was something wrong. I am mad I don’t have the physical ability to have a career and be independent. I want the ability to maintain friendships: you can’t be a good friend if you are always canceling and can never be part of anything.
It pains me when my boyfriend and I are lounging on the couch almost every Saturday because it is too difficult for me to go out and have a nice day without “suffering” the consequences too much. It disgusts me that I cannot eat and drink the way I want to because of my risk for blockages, ostomy, motility disorder, and just general individualized digestive system that I have spent countless years doing trial and error with. It upsets me greatly when I can’t do something as basic as go to my boyfriend’s son’s soccer game for an hour.
It makes me feel bad that for the past few months, I haven’t been able to go food shopping or keep things moving in the house the way I want to. I feel like such a burden on the people closest to me. I hate having such little patience because I am in pain. I am exhausted from feeling. Heck, I am even exhausted from barely sleeping. I just want to be the person I know I would be if I wasn’t fighting so much each day.
I could go on and on, as you all probably know...
Feeling beaten up after surgery
I had an epidural in after surgery which completely numbed my right side which felt very weird and took at least a month and a half to completely go away. That, in and of itself, was scary. But because of this, I also asked the Heparin shots to be given in that leg since I couldn’t feel anything. When I finally started getting feeling back, I couldn’t believe how punctured I was and felt. I also had a couple administered on the left side so it was a weird double whammy.
Surgery is scary no matter how many times it's been
Part of my incision was having trouble closing and was oozing things out (not to be TMI.) But, once again, that is seriously scary (no matter how many times you go through surgeries and/or awful procedures.) I also had a separate drain coming out of my side to absorb the excess fluid in my abdomen which needed to be removed and hurt like a b*tch. Lack of dignity and losing most of your control is another thing that is hard to swallow as your body is physically going through so much turmoil.
It just feels like we are mutilated after going through these types of things. And it takes me a while to bounce back from feeling like this.
Does anyone else feel this way after a hospitalization and/or surgery?
If you do, I want you to know I completely get it. This article started to be about something completely different but then turned into this rant-y post. Seriously though. I understand what it is like and so do many others. I know one of the issues is that, understandably, when so many of us feel this way, we tend to withdraw in an effort not to seem negative.
Oftentimes, we don’t share how deeply we are suffering which is okay. We all have to do what works for our mind and body. I did want to kind of go with these feelings and continue writing about this for those people who are going through something similar. Maybe just knowing one other person is currently going through it and understands how difficult it is might help.
Which aspect of awareness week are you most excited about?