Feeling Guilty When You're Unemployed
There's a certain funny feeling in my gut (no pun intended) I've had lately that has made me feel ill at times. The real irony is that it isn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like it is.
When you're sick and suddenly find yourself unemployed, there is a mad dash of things you have to get in order.
How will you cover your housing? What will you have to do in order to pay for all of your needs? You boil your life down to the minute and hour of odd jobs you've been doing while wondering how in the world your body will hold up trying to do part time jobs when you couldn't manage a life of full-time work.
You begin to feel unworthy, unsuccessful and you find yourself critiquing every minuscule characteristic about yourself. When you apply for jobs you know you're qualified, or even over-qualified for, yet you hear no response, you feel even worse about yourself.
Am I worthless because of my disability?
Has my disability made me this worthless or is it me?
Many times, filing for disability has come across my mind, but every time, it's negated with thoughts that I wouldn't be supported by friends and family to do so. Because they might think I'm "too healthy". There's been guilt even contemplating filing for disability. How is that even fair?!
I've taken a lot of part-time work lately for little money, because I know the gigs that are only a few days or even only a day are much easier than committing to something full-time, as I'm not certain I feel healthy enough to be doing full-time work. Starting my new medication soon, hopefully I will get my life back, but there will always be worry of "what if this doesn't work?" or "what if it doesn't work and I have to have my big surgery?"
How will I even pay for all of this?
Job searching with chronic illness is the most anxious, nauseating and terrifying thing I've yet to do with this disease and I've been through a lot. Putting one foot in front of the other and consistently trying to apply to places that I know I would serve best and would fit my condition is what gives me hope.
How about you? Have you ever felt this anxiety when unemployed? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments section!
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