Feeling Like a Ticking Time Bomb with IBD
Each morning for the last few weeks I've felt it. That unwelcome gnawing pain that makes you question whether you need to run to the bathroom and throw up from nausea. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Aware that something isn't right, but comforted by the fact that as the days go on the pain keeps subsiding. It’s an endless cycle that starts to dominate your thoughts and overwhelm you. Knowing that it’s only a matter of time until the pain gets out of hand and needs more than just a pain pill to get it under control.
Crohn's is unpredictable and the next hospital visit is inevitable
I feel like my body is plotting against me. Thinking it's being smart by striking in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping and somewhat unaware of what’s going on inside. Preparing for battle when I least expect it.
It's not knowing what the day will hold and wondering when the next hospitalization will be that's often the hardest to come to terms with. Wondering why at times you feel like you're at peace with your body, while other times it feels like the enemy.
Questioning each piece of food that goes in your mouth and everything you drink. Trying to stay calm while stress from life feels like it's trying to suffocate you. Struggling to keep your head above water but knowing you have so much to fight for. Reminding yourself that every setback and flare in the past was temporary. The pain was unbearable in those moments, off the charts when asked how you feel from a one to a ten... but in time, that pain and those memories start to blur. Until the next time it happens. Then your memory comes back quickly and it feels as though no time has passed.
Worries that remission will come to an end
August is two years since I had 18 inches of my intestine removed. Since then, I've had nearly two years of feel-good days. I had an amazing wedding day, flawless pregnancy and a healthy baby boy. My disease felt non-existent in those big milestone moments, and for that, I am forever grateful. Now, with a baby whose nearly four months my mind races about what it would be like to leave him and be in the hospital for days. He's who I really fight this battle for. I don’t want him to grow up thinking he had a sickly mom, but a mom who sometimes didn't feel the best. A mom who exemplified what it means to face adversity head-on. A mom who provided perspective and hope to others who were going through tough moments and challenges.
I woke up in the middle of the night...it was 1:42 a.m...I tossed and turned for over an hour. Debating what to do about the pain and thinking about how I would need to start a liquid diet to help calm my bowels. I finally fell asleep and woke up with the same exact pain.
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