Why Love & Touch Matter - Even When It Isn't Sex

By Kelly J.

2 min read

Why love and touch matters in intimacy - even when it isn’t sex.

Recently, I wrote about why touch, self-talk, and affection in different ways matter most to me on our Insomnia page and you can find that article here. This is a bit different, as now we’re talking abscesses, cysts, and fistulas. Quite different than being unable to sleep. But both have something in common - the need to feel comfortable, more confident in our bodies.

Physical touch with a partner

To sum it up, my therapist told me what I really need during this phase of therapy is “touch” and I told my partner that, and immediately, he got closer to me and made me feel completely held and comforted. I felt at ease and that I could have gone to sleep right there.

He’s done this every opportunity he’s had, like simply getting physically get close to me and holding me in some sort of way - putting my legs up on his. Our intimacy needs some work sometimes, which for the most part goes untalked about because he’s been understanding of my needs living with PSTD, endometriosis, and IBD - both physical & mental illnesses.

Finding ways to be intimate while in pain

You see, with complications you body experiences with IBD like fistulas, abscesses & cysts, it can be painful to even think about. So how can a couple show their affection to one another even when it can’t/doesn’t/won’t involve sex? I want to be clear - my definition of intimacy doesn’t involve sex.

It involves a lot of touch, going out of your way to make romantic gestures, making a room feel romantic - pushing everything else unneeded aside, whenever you can.

It involves words - to one another, ones to yourself. Self-love is just as important when it comes to loving, touching & intimacy.

Be open and honest about pain

Some of us just don’t want to be touched. Our pain reflexes and our ability to be scared easily is much higher when we experience high amounts of pain. I try to warn my partner, which he does a great job of trying to keep my environment free of bumps and quiet when I’m in a lot of pain. I remember coming home from the hospital when I was first diagnosed and no one could ever come and touch my bed because of how bad everything hurt.

That hurts when you’re the loved one trying to help.

How can we help them? As I mentioned in a previous article, just be honest. Touch and be touched when you can.

Verbalize more than you think you should. Hearing how much someone loves and appreciates you will never make you feel worse.

Put your feet up on one another when you watch TV together.

Get super competitive and make bets during game night.

Get naked (it doesn’t have to involve sex). And a lot of sex therapists will say you will hopefully become more comfortable with your “broken” body even when your partner can’t always see or feel the pain.

Support from others in the community

Be gentle with yourselves. So many other couples don’t go through the hardship you and your partner encounter. Thankfully there is more community support, more local LGBTQ groups offering support and acceptance, but we must all be a part of that too.

Sometimes these things are uncomfortable to talk about - the only way it will ever get easier is to keep trying.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The InflammatoryBowelDisease.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Julie Marie Palumbo Moderator & Contributor
Thank you so much for writing this! I think this is a major issue in a lot of relationships, and my husband and I suffered a bit as well, but you are right in saying that you should speak up even though it may be an uncomfortable conversation. --Julie (Team Member)
thedancingcrohnie Moderator & Contributor
I think sometimes we forget that intimacy doesn't always have to be sex. There are lots of ways to feel physically and emotionally close to your partner. Thanks for shedding light on this. -Elizabeth (team member)
Matt Nagin Moderator
Nice article. Some really great points. The weird thing is sometimes when I feel sick I just want to be alone. Not be touched at all. This can impair relationships. But this is a good point about different types of intimacy and affection from a partner. It's very true. Thanks. Best, Matt (Team Member)
Kelly J. Moderator
Thank you Matt, Elizabeth & Julie - I think this topic needs to be discussed, at length, sooo much more often than we do. So many patients struggle with vulvar Crohn's, fistulizing disease, abscesses that just never seem to heal or go away. It's so hard to bring up to a doctor if it's the first time you've experienced it. It's even harder to find support if it's not openly and publically talked about! We need to do better by one another so that the stigma is taken away from talking about sexual health and the alternatives to sex while maintaining a healthy relationship that still involves intimacy! Best, Kelly, (Author/team member)
Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford Moderator & Contributor
Appreciate the honesty here. Personally, it's something I KNOW I need to make more of an effort with, but it's a struggle. I have spent so many periods avoiding being touched, that it now seems unnatural to just go and sit right next to my partner! Work in progress... - Sahara (team member)

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Why Love &amp; Touch Matter - Even When It Isn't Sex