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When you reach that moment that you feel like its just not your path

I was lucky. I have always been an intuitive person. I’ve always just “known” things and have even been lucky enough to have a mother that encouraged following that instinct. This ensured that I didn’t get myself into situations where my instincts were potentially screaming at me to run and I’d potentially just stand there. Listening to those instincts made me in tune with my surroundings and I knew when to run long before it turned into a bad situation.

Intuitions when it comes to my body

That has also gone along with my body. I knew when I first got sick at 14 years old that I had Crohn’s. I don’t even know why I was so sure and so convinced that was what was wrong. It was before the internet so maybe I read a medical journal? I don’t even know. What I do know is that my Aunty had Ulcerative Colitis and what I had was similar but not the same. I also knew I couldn’t possibly be lucky enough to get a curable disease! *insert rolly eyes**

I knew I had Crohn’s before I was tested

I remember telling my specialist before going in for my colonoscopy and endoscopy that I had Crohn’s and he telling me that I most likely didn’t and to not get ahead of myself. But I knew. And I was right.

The doctor didn’t come in when I woke. He came the following day and told me that I was right. It was Crohn’s Disease and it was very bad.

I knew I’d have a bag

I remember knowing then and there that my future was with a bag. He also told me it would never be an “if” but “when” situation when it came to having a bag.

I was sick for 8 years before finally, the day came that my specialist said that there was no longer anything that he could do to treat me and that I needed a permanent ostomy. Okay.

I knew that was always going to be the path that I would walk. I was mentally prepared. I was happy about this new road to take. After all, the new one had to better than the one I was currently traveling. And it was for about 5 years and then…

It all changed.

My condition became life-threatening

My Crohns Disease crept back in silently during my first pregnancy and tried to take my life. I had our son and 6 months later I was lying in a hospital dying and being told those words all over again…

I’m sorry, but there isn’t anything else we can do and we need to take out another part of your bowel. You are septic and dying. We need to take you to surgery now.

This time I had everything to lose and nothing to gain.

I wasn’t mentally prepared for this

I wasn’t about to walk a brand new shiny road. I was about to have the road pulled out from underneath me.

This wasn’t the path I wanted. I knew it wasn’t my path. It wasn’t my choice. I’m all about chaos so long as I’m in control of it. Now I wasn’t.

Things were so different this time around. I wasn’t new at this new stoma or this road, but I was at the same time. My head was spinning and I was terrified.

I didn’t choose this path

So I reached that point where I was on a path that I didn’t choose. It’s not supposed to happen like this. But it did. So how did I deal with it?

I cried. I cried a lot and didn’t even pretend that I wasn’t. I talked about how I was feeling but I wasn’t a total walking sulking zombie either. I got up. I kept moving and those who told me that I was crying too much or told me that I was talking too much, I reminded them that the end result isn’t any different to any other path I was taking.

I’m still heading to the same place. I’m just communicating my journey out loud to both myself and others.

So long as I am still getting up, still moving, still loving, still going slowly or fast, then that is all that matters. The day rises and the day sets. I just need to allow myself the moment to go at my own pace knowing that I won’t do this forever.

Every new day is closer to a day that it’s further in the past and a day closer to the pain being a faint distant pain.

My intuition didn’t tell me I would have more surgery but intuition and listening to myself openly is what got me through the other side.

*Does this advocate’s experience resonate with you at all? We would love to hear your experiences, thoughts, and stories in the comment section below!*

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The InflammatoryBowelDisease.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • thedancingcrohnie moderator
    6 months ago

    So beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

    Intuition is everything, especially when it comes to our health. I wish I would have followed my intuition when I was first diagnosed. Something inside told me, I needed to be careful with what I ate. But the doctor who diagnosed me said diet had zero to do with my diagnosis and I could continue eating my fries and pizza. *face palm.

    It wasn’t until years later that I changed my diet and I finally got my life back.

    Always dancing,
    Elizabeth (team member)

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