A Letter To My Long Gone Colon
You're gone. It hurts. Well mentally. It hurts mentally because you were actually the cause of my physical pain. There are days I wish I was normal. I wish you were normal. I'm different because you were different. With you, I was different because of you. Without you, I am different because you're gone.
Somedays I wish you were here
I wish you weren't such a bad thing. I wish you knew how to blend in. Somedays I wish I had you back. There are times I think I'm damaged goods. Not completely because of you. But mostly because of you. There are times when I think I'd be a better person with you. I think I'd be more confident. I certainly wouldn't have so many scars. So much trauma.
At times I blame myself
What is it about me that caused you to be so sick? Well, I guess your long-term enemy, my immune system, didn't help. You two had a very complicated relationship, to say the least.
But it wasn't easy
No matter how it may seem, I want you to know it wasn't easy to give you up. It was a decision that took me months to make. Months of consideration after years of trying. Years of putting forth my absolute best effort. I loved you. I loved you because I loved me. You were a part of me. A part of me that I underestimated. Honestly, for a while, I knew nothing of you. I didn't care to know you. By the time we were finally introduced, you were sick. You were painfully ill, which made me painfully ill and in turn, made me hate you.
I despised you and what you did to me. What you did to my body. Internally and externally. I suffered and blamed you. You weren't at fault, but you were to blame. I know your intentions were never to hurt me. You never wanted to be ill. But you did. You hurt me. You caused me more pain than I'd ever experienced in my life, but I'm not mad. I can't be mad at you. I have to forgive you in order to forgive myself.
The truth is....
The truth is I've always blamed myself for your shortcomings. I always felt like I could have done more to save you. I could have done more to remain whole. But one thing I didn't realize is that I am whole. Without you.
Without you, I am just as whole. Actually, I am more whole. Without you I have the freedom to be myself. I know myself. To develop my own likes, fears, to understand who I truly am as opposed to who you made me out to be.
This is the last you'll hear from me. I can't heal hanging on to you. I have to let you go in order for me to be free. I can't live with the burden of loving you any longer. While I wish we could have worked out together, but I'm glad we're apart.
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