Letter to Younger Me

Dear Krystal,

It’s kind of weird to write this because all the way along our journey, I’ve never really felt like I would change much. In fact, I’ve always felt like these types of letters were strange and unnecessary but here we go…

You’ve always felt older than your years. You’ve always lived as you do now. Not much has changed. What has changed is your desperation.

Life is good

You are no longer desperate. There’s no desperation for love, acceptance, or peace. There is still a lot of chaos, but life is good.

Those days you feared would never come are here. The nights you laid awake crying in pain, thinking it would most likely consume you, haven’t.

You know how you thought you’d never get to know the feeling of a child growing inside of you because you were told you’d never have babies. Well, you’ve birthed 2 babies. You’ve also felt the loss of 6 more. You’ve honored them on your skin forever.

You have even found love. A man who completely accepts you exactly as you are.

It hasn’t been easy

You didn’t get here easily. You have lived life to the max and felt every single bump in the road.

You lived every moment but you also internalized everything. You were a people pleaser and easily manipulated. Your 21st birthday party was the last moment you were used and manipulated. You’ll remember that moment forever.

Your 23rd will also bring lessons. Lessons of self-acceptance and love.

Then you will meet your future husband. He will come in at a moment where you are headed in a solely focused direction. He will come on the ride but he won’t be the lead. It will be a journey you walk together side by side.

On that journey, you will learn the hard way that love isn’t like the fairy tales you were told as a child. Love can look like whatever feels right. Love doesn’t have to be like a big bang and over the top passionate. Love can be your best friend that you fancy.

You’ve had the big bang over the hills love and while it was wonderful, it was also a complete disaster. You learned what you will tolerate and not during that one.

Perfectly imperfect

Life can be hard and you will feel things as deeply as if the knife was cutting into you.

Be kind and learn to be your own best friend. Be as kind to yourself as you are to those you love. You will soon learn that you only need those who raise you up in your life and not those who bring you down.

One day soon, all of a sudden the desperation isn’t there. It’s the moment you realize that this is forever. It will ground you and stop the world feel like it’s moving without you.

Remember, in a moment it’s all perfectly imperfect.

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