Loving Someone Like Me

I always try to be positive when I share my story and struggles with IBD. I know there is already enough negativity out there to last a lifetime. I also understand that with everything I’ve been through, I am extremely lucky to be alive today. There were quite a few times in my life when I didn’t imagine I’d be so lucky. There were many times I couldn’t picture myself making it to my next birthday. I am truly grateful.

I know that every day I’m given is a blessing.

I realize my Jpouch is a beautiful gift that not everyone (who needs it) has the opportunity to receive. While I am aware of all of this, as with anything else in life, I have my good days and bad days. Some days I get really depressed. I think about my family, my future husband, my future children (if I can even have them at all). I try to think of myself as a good person, but even with that outlook there’s always the question in the back of my head: Who would choose me? Why would someone choose me? Someone who is broken. Someone who is scarred. Someone who is damaged. How am I supposed to compete with other women out there? Other women who are beautiful and healthy?

It’s hard to go through so much with your health and not look at yourself as damaged goods.

I feel bad even mentioning this topic, but I know I am not alone. I am a young woman, haven’t even reached my 30’s yet. People are getting diagnosed younger and younger now. These are the hard conversations, but the ones we need to have. I always say that I won’t allow IBD to take anything away from me, to take anything away from my life. But what if it already has? On my social media I share these empowering stories and photos. But there has been days when I’ve gone to the mirror, lifted my shirt and just cried. I know the scars are there for a reason. I know my story is beautiful and the fact that I am alive today is a miracle in itself. I am grateful for all of this, but there are times when I don’t want to be “a survivor.” I don’t always want to be known as “the girl with IBD.”

Sometimes I just want to be beautiful.

I know it’s going to take a very strong person to love someone like me. I’m different. I’m not perfect. I am not the girl you see in the TV commercials with the perfect skin and the beautiful life. I’m the girl in the background. The one who’s just trying to figure out life. Who has medical debt up to her knees, scars and bruises from various conditions and worries about how severe the next flare will be. I can’t imagine being the girl of anyone’s dreams.  And for now, I guess that’s okay.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The InflammatoryBowelDisease.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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