Me vs Me

Me vs Me… that internal struggle that I’ll deal with forever. It’s me against my body, me against my mind.

See, I’d like to think I’m reasonably intelligent. I love being challenged and I work hard at my job. My Crohn’s is in remission and my ostomy is really the only occasional set back – that being the lack of nutrients I absorb. So I’m very lucky in that regard. But I’m still not functional on a “normal” person level.

I’m always tired.

I always catch everything going around and it always knocks me down so much harder than everyone else. Then my kids bring home their bugs too. I just can’t win! Sometimes I just feel like I’m an unworthy employee. Theres the usual sick days that you get when you’re working. Around 11 days a year or so. But thats not taking into consideration if your kids get sick, then get you sick.

2017 was a breaking point year. I barely got through it mentally. I struggled working full time and had a lot of sick days – I’m lucky I still have a job really. At the end of the year I asked to go part time. I just couldn’t juggle the load anymore. It was beyond too much and I was starting to get into trouble at work. After asking for it for months, I was given it! finally!

So now I am part time and I’m feeling great!!

My work load is still what I was doing full time, but I’m more productive and my work is better quality. Then my brain gets all excited by my ability to work properly again and wants to take on more work and challenge myself that bit more.

But then thats the reality and where the me vs me really kicks in…. I am at my best because I am now being my best and have the best amount of time. It kills me though. I hate that my body can’t be up to the same standards as everyone else when my mind is. My body is against me.

I feel that this is probably one of the hardest struggles for me. My mind is limited by my body’s restrictions.

My body can’t keep up with what my mind so desperately wants to achieve!

Over the years I’ve worked full time and part time. I’ve almost lost so many jobs when I was at the height of my disease. I am lucky now to have supportive management who has worked with me to continue working at a level where I am still an asset. Not every employer is that understanding.

I think the reason that they have been so supportive is because I’m not secretive. I’m honest and open about the realities of this disease, but I am also very hard working. I don’t tell them about my Crohn’s on interview because I don’t see it as a disability, but as an occasional limitation – which we all have. My work should speak for itself.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The InflammatoryBowelDisease.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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