Miscarriage & IBD Guilt

Trigger warning: This post will discuss some difficult topics such as miscarriage, grief, and loss. If these are topics you’re currently struggling with, I’d recommend checking out some of our happier content on the site!

I’ve lived with IBD for over 10-years now and it’s been an extremely rough ride to say the very least. I’ve gone through countless medications, surgeries, treatments, and doctors and honestly, I wouldn’t re-do anything even if you paid me.

Wondering how past surgery has affected me

In my early 20’s I underwent surgery to get my j-pouch. I’ve had it now for about 6 years and I absolutely love it! But at times I wonder if all the trauma my body has gone through is beginning to haunt me as I attempt to move forward with my life.

I want to make it clear that I in no way believe getting a j-pouch had a direct impact on my reproductive health. Nor do I believe it is the reason for my miscarriages.

But I do hold a lot of guilt for my entire experience with my condition. I often wonder, not only about the surgeries but about the years of not getting treated.

The medications I don’t even remember the name of. The constant blood loss. The times when I knew I was sick, but still didn’t seek help because work was “too busy.” Or the co-pays were beginning to add up.

Struggling with miscarriage

In my early 20’s, I miscarried. Doctors tried to convince me it was random and that I was fine, but I’ve battled with my body for long enough to know that nothing is ever just random.

I am now (a month away from) 29, and I recently had another miscarriage.

I know, by default, this is not a topic women are open about. There’s a lot of hard emotions to unpack. Society makes this such a taboo topic by almost silencing women when we speak on the topic.

I’m not looking for pity. I don’t want your “so sorry”s. I just need to talk about it. To get it off of my mind and out in the open.

The guilt that a chronic condition causes

I guess my purpose for this is simply to say, the guilt of living with a chronic illness stems much deeper than meds and copays. I feel almost guilty for having the body I was given. I feel almost guilty for even wanting to have a child when there is absolutely nothing I can do to control my circumstances.

I feel guilty for being ill. And most importantly, I feel guilty as a woman. Not being able to do one of (what’s considered) the “most basic” tasks of womanhood.

Feeling like a failure

I often feel like a failure. Like I’ve failed myself and my unborn child too. I don’t wish this pain on my worst enemy, but if this is something you’ve lived through, I would like to commend you.

If this is a pain you currently bear the weight of carrying, I see you. On my worst days of recovering from the loss (both mentally and physically), what I desired most was just to be seen.