It's Not About Me Anymore

I admit I have been an extremely selfish person over my lifetime. I’m very giving, but I can also be extremely selfish at times.

I realize I have a chronic condition. I realize that I need to care for myself and there’s no way I can properly care for another human without first putting that effort and love into myself. I get it. But that’s no excuse.

Consumed by being sick

A lot. But there were so many times when I was feeling just fine and I still was blinded by my own issues, wants, and needs, that I didn’t even consider the pain of others.

I was so obsessed with myself that I couldn’t see anyone else. Sure, my condition was the focus for a while, but I can’t use that to justify my actions over these past few years.

Looking back I wish I would have done more

Been around for family and friends more. Focused on the positive and what I do have rather than always dwelling on the negative and worrying about what I “need.”

I know my health contributed a lot to my selfishness. I couldn’t give what I didn’t have, and what I lacked I had to take away from others. I know I spent a lot of time in the hospital, but I also spent a lot of time at home.

I always preach about self-care and taking time for you, but what happens when you’ve taken too much time? What's the time limit on my time? Is there such thing as too much self-care and can it have a negative impact on the people we love?

When you're sick, things are about you

They have to be. There is no other option. You can't improve someone else's life without working on yourself first.

The problem in my case was I got better. My health improved, but I never turned the spotlight away from myself. I wasn't there for the people who loved me. I didn't know how to show up for anyone other than myself. And I hate myself for that.

But it's not about me anymore...

I want to use what time I have left on this earth helping people. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to dwell on my health (or lack thereof) day in and day out. I want to embrace life and my imperfections.

I want to use them to empower myself as well as others. I want to support others through their fight in the same way certain people helped me during my own. I may never be the picture of perfect health.

I lost a colon, but I still have a lot more to lose. Anything could happen at any point in time, but until it does I want to lead a more positive and uplifting life. A life more about others and less about me. I want to spend my life spreading love and changing the lives of others.