Throwing a Party for Someone With Crohn’s or Ulcerative Colitis

A few weeks ago, I came across pictures from my bridal shower. For many brides-to-be, this is a fun tradition that they look forward to. Some are held as surprises, while others may be micromanaged by the bride herself. But for me, I wanted no part of it. In fact, it was so close to the wedding I thought I was in the clear when no one had made mention of a bridal shower. After all, there’s a lot involved when throwing a party for someone with Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis.

Surprises are not my jam. Never have been, never will be. As someone living with Crohn’s disease (aka an unpredictable disease) for three decades, I have little bandwidth for surprises. So, if you’re planning on throwing a party for someone with Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis here is a story of what not to do.

The need to plan with a chronic illness

As I mentioned, surprises are not my jam. Anyone who knows me knows this. Three of four bridesmaids try to convince the shower planner not to make it a surprise. Lucky for me they finally gave in on telling me there was a bridal shower and giving the date. This only happened because I accepted a last-minute business trip the same week as the bridal shower.

Not so lucky for me, was the fact that they would not tell me the location. I kept asking. I begged. At times, I demanded the location and threatened to be a no-show. But no, they wanted to keep it a surprise.

“You should be happy that we even gave you a heads up on the date.”

I was grateful. My friends and family were doing something nice for us before the wedding and at least they provided a date. They were not completely blindsiding me with this and were affording me time to find an outfit and maybe get my makeup done. Previously, I’ve written about how I almost ruined our engagement because Crohn’s was on overdrive and I didn’t want to leave home. It’s a prime example of how I loathe surprises. I would never have worn what I wore to our friends’ home that day if I knew pictures were involved let alone a proposal.

Asking probing questions if the bridal shower was going to be held indoors or outdoors, proved futile. Florida’s fall weather is vastly different than any other state’s fall.

Unable to live spontaneously with Crohn's

Crohn’s has deeply affected my ability to live spontaneously. Heat is a huge trigger for my IBD and IBS symptoms. Not having access to a restroom is an anxiety trigger. Every single person planning this shower knows these facts.

I felt very unheard and alone. At one point, I begged my mother to cancel the shower. That failed.

As the date approached, they informed me I couldn’t have my car. If I wanted to get makeup done, someone would have to pick me up at 8:30 am to get me to the mall at 9. That would mean I would need to get up at around 6 am to try and eat something, take meds, and get ready to leave. Then they informed me that I would have to wait at the mall for about an hour if not more before someone could get me again. I would have had to get dressed and do my hair early in the morning before leaving to get makeup and then sit in the heat waiting for them to pick me up. Seriously, you cannot do this to someone with Crohn’s disease, anxiety, or worse yet BOTH. I wondered if this was a punishment and not a gift.

When planning for an event, I usually give myself enough time to start meds, eat something, finish meds, let my digestive system sort itself out, and then leave. This can be anywhere from 2-4 hours prior to an event, depending on how I’m feeling that day.

For the sake of self-preservation, I canceled the makeup appointment. When it was time to leave, my husband got myself, his mother, and my friend in the car and then randomly drove around town for over an hour. I felt relief for all of 30 seconds as he pulled in front of a restaurant we frequent often. Then, he pulled away and began to hysterically laugh.

I started losing my marbles around this time. He then pulled up in front of the other venue we sometimes go to. An OUTDOOR garden attached to a craft beer and spirits store with a bar.  It was 80 degrees and it was only 11 am. I began to shake with anger and fear.

Why fear?

Fear around the number of bathrooms at the venue

The venue, which is outdoors in the heat, has one small bathroom, and there were about 40-plus people there. I had not eaten since dinner the day before because I feared getting sick from breakfast. The venue was for all intents and purposes at a bar’s outdoor patio. There were two signature cocktails, both filled with dairy.

Have I mentioned I dislike surprises? So, friends, if you are planning on throwing a party for someone with Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis, please keep these tips in mind.

Tips for planning a party for someone with Crohn's or UC

• Consider the venue type – indoor or outdoor, time of year, how many restrooms are available.
• Seating type — it should be comfortable enough to spend more than an hour in a chair.
• Type of food and beverages served – have a few safe options for the guest of honor. Yes, you should consider items for the guests, but don’t forget the person you’re holding the party for.
• If you like surprises and four other people tell you the guest of honor dislikes them, heed the warnings.
• Time of day is also critical. I know some people can get up, get ready and go in little-to-no time. On occasion, I can be one of those people. But this isn’t always the case. This is why having a window to prepare is helpful. Find out if the guest of honor has a preferred time of day where they tend to feel best.
• Just because it’s a place that someone has gone before, does not mean it is an ideal venue for a 4-hour-long party. Put yourself in the shoes of the person living with IBD and consider if they would be comfortable.

It took quite a while to power through the anxiety over the venue and bathroom situation.

If anyone is wondering where my husband went after dropping us off, he placed himself in witness protection because he saw the fallout coming from a mile away. He re-emerged for the wedding. He knew who he was marrying.

Clearly, it left a bitter taste in my mouth about them overlooking Crohn's and feeling forced to go to this party. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Let us know how you handled it!