How Can I Separate Myself From My Crohn's Disease?

Since giving birth to my little boy almost three months ago, I've been fortunate enough to have access to free counseling, or more specifically, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This was partly because as a first-time mom, I was anxious about giving birth and motherhood; but as the sessions progressed, talk again turned to another source of anxiety: my Crohn's disease.

Struggling with anxiety around health

Health anxiety has long been something I've struggled with. I even blogged about how much it affected me in this blog post. One thing that stayed in my mind after my last session-and inspired me to write this blog post- is that my counselor noted that my Crohn's disease was separate from myself, yet it seemed to her that I very much saw it as a definition for me. It got me thinking as to whether we all feel this way, or if there are others who feel as if it's just something they live with and not something that shapes their life?

It's hardly surprising that when it comes to living with Crohn's disease day in day out, as well as spending a portion of my day writing about it, that I'd see it as integral to my identity.

But I can't help think would it be better if I didn't. To just think of myself as a person who has an illness rather than a person whose life choices are dictated by one.

People saw me differently when I was pregnant

I spent nine months growing my amazing son and one of the best things about it (other than, of course, the baby that emerged at the end) was that I felt it shifted the way people saw me. Before, at family gatherings, talk would turn to my health struggles but now, talk turned to my body in a different way; as people admired my baby, cooed over scan photos and commented on my glow.

No one was interested in my Crohn's during pregnancy

Seeing my bump grow felt like a reminder each day that my body was healthy and strong to be doing something so amazing. The majority of my doctor's appointments were positive; it was 'normal' to have blood tests, outpatient appointments and scans.

This time they weren't interested in my colon but my unborn child and I was just like any other pregnant woman. What's more, my pregnancy was textbook; so for the first time in what felt like forever, I passed all my tests with flying colors!

Back to testing and symptoms after giving birth

It's no surprise then that a few months on, I really do mourn my pregnant self and I'm incredibly jealous of anyone I see with a bump! Just weeks after giving birth, it was time for my annual MRI. Then blood tests. Then time to battle that postpartum flare. Then my gastro appointment to discuss the next phase of medication.

It felt like I'd stepped off the IBD treadmill when pregnant and now it was back at full speed. Gazing down at my belly and noting the lack of bump; only further increased my feeling of being 'deflated' and it's hard not to look at my body and just see it as an IBD patient again. The thought patterns of my body being weak and fragile started to creep up again. I was convinced I was incredibly thin without my bump but it turns out I'd actually retained plenty of my baby weight; I just couldn't see it.

I find the illness is also in the back of my mind when it comes to motherhood too. I'm sure all parents worry about their child but I worry my illness will stop me caring for him and get in the way of the most exciting years of my life. I feel like it's always lingering in the background as a reminder of how I'm different from other mothers. I get frustrated at myself as I know how fortunate I am to have such a healthy and happy child but it seems that IBD impacts all aspects of my life.

Crohn's is only one part of me

If it's one thing I've learned from my reflection, it's that my IBD is only one part of my body. Yes my colon might not be happy but my uterus was healthy enough to grow a child; my blood was healthy enough to give it nutrients and my organs were healthy enough to adapt when they were squished, squashed, and changed throughout the nine months.

I'm sure they're still working away in the background now, but without the visual reminder, we seem to forget that parts of our body are healthy, even when our digestive tract isn't.

My Crohn's disease isn't going anywhere, I know that, so my greatest wish would to be able to truly accept it as something I just have to get on with. To accept that a bad flare doesn't have to mean a bad day or make me a bad mother. To accept that a bad blood test or MRI report doesn't mean my whole body is sick, just my colon is. It all makes sense when I put it into words, I just wish I knew how to do it.