Socially awkward

I’m going to blame the fact that I’ve only ever known life being sick as the excuse to why I am so socially awkward.

You’d assume that because I live my life so openly and honestly that I would be so confident and outgoing, but in reality, I do not feel that way at all.

Social Regrets

Every social setting that I am a participant of, I leave and I go home regretting every single little thing that I have said and done. I analyze all the things I’ve said and I always feel like I am so annoyed at myself.

Like, why did I have to tell that complete stranger my entire life story?! Why did I feel the need to educate them on life with an ostomy or bowel disease?!

I always leave feeling like no one actually likes me and I must appear to be the weirdest awkward person they’ve met. All I want to do is make friends!

Friendship dating

Friendship dating is so weird and foreign. There’s no guide book and I end up wondering if that person thinks I’m hitting on them! Do you want to grab a coffee and catch up some time? Well, that could have easily been a pick up line too!

Although I don’t let my Crohn’s define me, it’s still a huge part of who I am, and spending a lot of time in hospitals and in bed sick (or toilet), it didn’t really give the foundations to learn how to socially connect with others. I missed so much of high school and missed all those vital developmental stages.

Meeting new people

When meeting new people, apparently you’re supposed to bond over something, but I find that people aren’t really as open to connecting with others, so I open myself up to them hoping to find that connection. Of course I don’t just chat about myself, I ask lots of questions about them and then still end up feeling like all I’ve done the whole time is talk about myself.

I wonder if nowadays in hospitals they’re helping youth learn those skills that we missed out on? I know that while I spent most of my days in a hospital bed 4 hours from my home town, I was just given homework to do that I never did, and didn’t really meet anyone that really fit in.

No one wants to be alone

But still I continue on, because no one wants to be alone. Maybe I’ll find that person that likes me for me and embraces that socially awkward person and loves me still! Because thats what besties are for right? If only we lived in a world where people were open.

At the end of that day that’s what the end goal is; to be loved, liked, and cherished for all that they are. No one should compromise themselves to fit another box.

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