Spirituality

I was raised Jewish, and, as a young kid, grew up religious. Three times a week I went to Hebrew School (following my regular school day); I routinely went to temple, and, of course, I always fasted on Yom Kippur. I also went on spiritual retreats and studied my Torah and Haftorah portions diligently for my Bar Mitzvah, to the point where just about everyone was impressed with my command of the material.

It almost goes without saying that I believed in God. I really thought some higher force in the universe would protect me. Without that, the world made no sense. It was too random. Too crazy. Surely there must have been some ordering principle, some guiding light to explain all the inconsistencies.

Today, I’m very different. I’ve pretty much forgotten how to read Hebrew. I only celebrate Jewish holidays when my family insists. Spiritual retreats seem corny. Finally, the last thing I could ever see myself becoming is a rabbi.

Most of all, though, I’m an agnostic, which, in my case, means I only believe in God when in extreme danger. That’s a bit of a joke, but, at bottom, on some level, I mean it. For, while I don’t know if there is a higher force in the clouds protecting me from harm, or directing my path, I do know that my experiences contradict the idea that this is likely.

The effects of Crohn's on spirituality

I’m a bit of a cynic. Part of that is the philosophical texts I’ve studied. Sartre, Camus, Nietzsche, Heidegger, Spinoza, and many others encouraged me to question what had been ingrained into my head by the spiritual leaders of my community. But perhaps the biggest element in this radical transformation has been Crohn’s disease.

For example, many devout, religious people are convinced that everything happens for a reason. In recent years, I’ve questioned this concept. Do all those trips to the toilet, those surgeries, that abdominal pain, really happen for a reason? Is a higher power really looking after us when he makes us suffer incredible agony?

Religious individuals will tell you “God doesn’t put anything in your path you can’t handle.” Or they insist an obstacle is a spiritual test, like what Job endured in the souls Bible. These ideas seem absurd. Some of the worst people often rise to the top, while truly charitable often flounder in obscurity (or even meet with tragedy). The universe, if anything, seems random. And a random universe, a universe lacking any sort of ordering principle, is probably one that lacks a God.

Increased gratitude from the struggles endured

Still, while I’m skeptical about the existence of God, as well as the idea that our struggles are some sort of divine test, I’m not opposed to spirituality. For example, the struggles we endure can certainly increase our level of gratitude, which, to me, is a spiritual response to the universe.

Emily Dickinson once wrote, ‘success is counted sweetest, by those who never succeed, to comprehend a nectar, requires sorest need.’ The same could be said for health.

In closing, Crohn’s disease has certainly altered my world view. I now doubt the existence of God—to a large part because of my past experiences. Still, I am spiritual, am someone who tries to live with integrity, and, wherever possible, I try to be compassionate.

In sum, then, I don’t need God to align myself with spiritual principles. I’m on a spiritual path, a path of personal evolution. I’m not sure if God is guiding me or I am guiding myself. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. Either way, I intend to do my part, fulfill what I am here to do, for the rest is out of my hands.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share your own insights into spirituality.