Crohn's and the Unknown With Starting a Family

Last month felt like the ultimate slap in the face. It follows a long line of smaller slaps in the face from inflammatory bowel disease. Crohn’s disease, to be exact. Since the age of 15, Crohn’s has ruled multiple-if-not-all parts of my life. Now, as I write this, I can’t help but worry if the one thing my husband and I want cannot become a reality. It’s so hard not to feel like Crohn’s has robbed me of all the things someone in my age bracket should happily experience should they choose to participate.

The roller coaster of battling Crohn's disease

My health has been a roller coaster, much like the emotions I’ve been dealing with. In 2012, I became too debilitated to work due to untreated Crohn’s disease, psoriatic arthritis, and inverse psoriasis. It’s been a struggle ever since to reclaim a semblance of health. But I’ve done it. Through a lot of trial and error, my specialists and I have found a good treatment plan.

When my GI came to visit me after performing my long-overdue colonoscopy, she had the biggest grin. It was the best scope I’ve had since those awful days back in 2012. I asked her if that meant the green light for babies, she said yes the green light for babies.

In 2014, my husband and I got back together. When I knew this was it, I made a goal checklist. We’ve been ticking boxes off of the list left and right:

• Travel
• Improve health
• Try new things
• Get engaged
• Buy a house
• Get married
• Come as close to remission as possible
• Get a green light from all the doctors to make babies

That last one, man. It was one of the reasons I stopped seeing him before Crohn’s relapse. At that time, he wasn’t in the mindset to want or consider starting a family. Back then, as a woman moving toward 30, I left him behind. As the kids now say, I ghosted him.

Worried that I can't get pregnant because of Crohn's

But when we found our way back to one another, he was on board. That’s why when I got the green light from my GI, Gynecologist and then PCP, it felt freeing. I wasn’t expecting to conceive, now at 38-years-old, in the blink of an eye. However, after a few months of trying, worry has begun to creep in.

Last month, I got weird news about my thyroid. I’ve had my thyroid swing hyper and exacerbate Crohn’s and arthritis symptoms before. No biggie. We adjusted meds and moved on.

My cycle was also late. And I had symptoms that indicated pregnancy versus PMS. I shared the info with a few friends who have been through similar. They encouraged me to wait to test because of false negatives. I waited and waited.

By the time I took the first pregnancy test, I was certain it would be negative. Nevertheless, it was crushing when it was. Even more frustrating, several of my doctors had me repeat the tests, at home, over the next few weeks. Each came back negative.

If you’re wondering, bloodwork is not yet ordered. I think this is one of the most frustrating facets. I would rather just know definitively via blood, than continually retesting at home.

A race against the clock

This is also when the negative emotions began to creep in. “I’m too old. What if we waited too long because of my health?” There was the, “What if Crohn’s has created too much scarring?” emotion. And then the irresponsible emotions surfaced, “I should have just stopped birth control years ago, and let the chips fall where they may. Specialists don’t recommend birth control pills for IBD patients anyway, dummy. You brought this on yourself.”

I recognize it’s only been a few months and have friends who were trying for 5-6 years before they made their little nugget.

Because of my age and current state of health, it’s so hard to not feel like I’m in a race against an invisible clock. It’s an unfair clock that not once took a timeout on behalf of my having to deal with the consequences of Crohn’s.

I don’t know what the future will hold on this particular journey. I see the PCP next week to discuss the next steps. Until then, I’m trying to not fixate too much on the “what ifs” that have echoed loudly within my internal monologue.

There may be some who see this and feel it’s too personal. I find that funny considering how talking about the facets of living with inflammatory bowel diseases can get.

There may be some who see this and think to their selves, “You have an incurable disease, how selfish to want to reproduce.” I’ve attended enough medical conferences over the past few years that now provide an acute focus on IBD and pregnancy to say with confidence you’re wrong and to please move along.

And there may be some who will read this and say to their selves through a deep sigh, “me too.” To you, I say, I’m here for you, as are our wonderful community of IBD members and moderators.