Why Me?

Living with Inflammatory Bowel Disease, there were so many days I felt so discouraged. There were so many times I just wanted to give up. And to be completely honest, at times I did. I let my condition take away all of my hope. Hope for the future. The hope of better days. All of it. I didn't think there would ever be a time I would live to see even a remotely "healthy" version of me. That would just be crazy!

No way would there ever be a time when I could ride in a car with friends, in the passenger seat, just living in the moment. No way could I ever have imagined a day when I would live without worry or fear. I just knew I would never get good test results. After all, how could I? It had been years of bad news already. I spent years trying medication after medication, treatment after treatment with no results. Nothing made things better and I honestly think a few things made things worse! This wasn't the life I ever asked for, and yet, I was chosen.

Why me?

Why ever was I chosen for such a life consuming, misunderstood, and highly stigmatized condition? Why me? Why do I have to try medications I know won't help me, just to get to the medication that may? Why me? Why am I constantly living in fear and pain while everyone else my age is doing amazing things? Why me?

If all people are truly created equal, why do some have to suffer so much? Why are so many people so happy when others of us are so sad? Why do I even have to ask questions like "why me?" Why do people still choose to not recognize my condition as debilitating? Why am I constantly having to defend why I am tired, or sad, or mad, or angry? Why do my doctors not see what "I'm fine" really means? And anyone else for that matter.

Sure, I've learned valuable life lessons

I also appreciate small things much more, because I know what it's like to lose the ability to do anything. Waking up in my own room is something I consider an accomplishment. Things other people may take for granted are things I hold close. Sure, I may have learned a lot along the way. Sure, IBD may have not broken me. It's great that I have the ability to empathize with people instead of judging them. It's also pretty cool that I can see people for who they really are.

My superpower is awesome too. I can identify people who may be living with an "invisible illness" instead of crucifying them for things like using a handicap parking space, but not "looking sick enough." It's also kinda cool that I can point my friends in the direction of a bathroom in any given circumstance. I guess it's also brought some pretty great people into my life. Amazing people that I can't imagine going through life without....

But.... what was I asking again?