My road trip through life: currently in stand still traffic about to run out of gas

It's 11:30 on a Friday night. 4 hours ago Clementine (my 3 year old daughter) and I were making homemade sugar cookies that looked like monsters. It was raining outside, so we grabbed our umbrellas and played in the rain while the cookies baked.

3 hours later I'm hyperventilating after Googling my newest Crohn's symptom, Cellulitis and literally having the scariest panic attack of my life. Doctor Google states that in my condition and the side effects I'm seeing from Cellulitis, I need to be in the hospital. Reason number 23 why we shouldn't google health questions....mass hysteria.

After taking my Valium, I catch my breath, pack for the hospital, and cry with my three year old daughter because she knows momma is leaving again because of her "boo-boo." Clem asks me to be back "before the sun comes up." I sure hope that I am, my sweet girl.

11:52pm- I'm sitting in the ER parking lot chain smoking cigarettes. (I know, "that's the worst choice considering you're condition.") But how is a person expected to cope when she's at the 4th ER she's been to in 6 days and endless medical professionals have no clue what to do with her.

Life's current road trip had lead me on a tour of all the hospitals in Central Arkansas this time. Google maps doesn't take the scenic route. Just the middle of the night, dreary interstate drive that always comes when the rest of the world is resting and peaceful and I'm trying to advocate for my body.

ER Stop #1: Saturday/Sunday morning APPROX 2am-I have no ostomy supplies due to them not shipping because of the hurricane. I enter the ER with an entire roll of paper towels around me. Two nurses come in and say, "well, what do you want us to do?" I remind myself to stay calm and tell these well polished, refined women I can change my own bag so they won't get poop on them because God forbid! The girls send me on my merry way with cream, relieved to not have to touch the terrifying front butt! I never see a doctor before I'm discharged.

ER Stop #2: Sunday night/Monday morning approx 1am-ER doctor comes in and states he used to be a plastic surgeon. Well let me just tell ya, he must have never made a stoma look pretty because he was terrified of my alien stomach. Doc butt hole hater suggests I quit smoking and sends me on my merry way with Ativan. He obviously didn't see the huge red band on my arm stating my allergy to Ativan that causes me to hallucinate. Good ole doc also sends me home with Bactrium. Now, I'm so out of it at this point, I just start taking the prescribed meds without thinking about it. 2 days later I realize home boy prescribed me antibiotics. You know, that good old medicine that caused me to have c-diff. The medicine even my PCP refuses to prescribe. Pretty boy Doc gives me some anxiety meds also because obviously I'm being dramatic for no reason and am just another neurotic woman at the ER.

ER Stop #3: TUESDAY 10am-new day, new ER. Thankfully, my ostomy nurses are at this hospital. I call my angel nurse after the doc comes and explain that the poor man is so baffled by my stomach he acts like he doesn't have his own butt! Leah and Trey (my saviors) come down and tell the doc suffering from Acrorectophobia: (The fear of buttholes in high places) every test to run on me. This ER finally believes me (ostomy nurses are heaven sent) and agrees I haven't gone completely neurotic I'm just literally in pain!! After three different hospitals, I finally get Cellulitis as a diagnosis. We depart at approx 4pm and my husband treats me to broth at Olive Garden. Let's be real, if I eat the veggies I'll have to go straight back with a bowel obstruction, so tasty broth it is!

ER Stop #4: Arrival time: 11:31pm. I sit in my "new to me" tiny purple car, the car I bought just 6 hours ago, because it made me feel happy due to the ridiculousness of it. Also, I'm needing a road trip souvenir after this shitty (no pun attended) week.
1:44am- I explain everything. Not to brag, but it seems like I'm the one with M.D. after my name. I pull up all my evidence from scholarly medical journals. Judgmental/baffled doc is looking at me like I've completely lost it. Doc tells me to stay on the antibiotics (that I'm constantly throwing up due to the side effects) and writes me a script for anxiety. Thanks doc #4, I have no idea where that anxiety comes from!

Saturday morning: 8:03am. I'm drinking coffee after two hours of sleep. I've barely slept this week due to the Hydros and Valium making me feel and act like a crack head. I'm getting ready to babysit because we have no money due to the fact that I'm only getting half of my pay from work right now due to medical leave.

I have crafts to put out, dishes to do, and laundry to fold before the kids get here. I will put on my happy mask and smile at the kids and momma, telling her we are so happy to have a play date.

Crohn's/Patient mode turned off and filed in the back of my mind. Perfect, happy, multi tasking mom mode activate.

Current stop on the road trip: moms with chronic illness museum.

Miles till empty: 28.