Why Human Life Is So Miserable?

I’ve been suffering from Crohn’s Disease for almost 6 years (diagnosed 2 years ago). I believe my disease was caused mainly by my anxiety and maybe with a combination of bacterial infection. The day it started, suddenly I noticed that my stool was loose (clay like). I became worried. I realized something was wrong as it was neither diarrhea nor constipation; clay like stool is not a good sign. However, that was my beginning of the hellish life.

From that day I have never passed a single day with sound health. I get frequent mouth sores, upset stomach, stomach burning, blood with stool, hemorrhoids, eating problem. I suffered almost 4 years silently; visited some doctors but they couldn’t diagnose the disease. Then only it was two years ago I found my doctor and he diagnosed it with colonoscopy and some other tests. I don’t get abdominal pain much but always an upset stomach. I can’t eat much as I always feel my belly is full. In the first place I hardly feel hungry or if I feel hungry, I sit to eat but can’t eat; the hunger is gone.

I heard this disease has remission and flare ups but I don’t know what those are. I’m saying this because since the day it started with loose stool, I have never seen any improvement of my stool. It’s always like the first day- loose, clay type. Only two years ago (just before my diagnosis) my condition worsened. I got diarrhoea, blood with stool (I had blood with stool from time to time from the beginning), no appetite, vomiting, night sweats, fever, pain and so on. Then I was diagnosed. Despite I was in the hell, I felt a bit of relief, as at last I could recognize my enemy. Doctor gave me many medicines including steroids that made my condition a bit better but never improved stool. Since then I have been in relatively good condition but only recently I noticed blood in my stool again and I hurried to my doctor.

He doubled the medicine doses and the cost I can’t afford. I’m from a poor country where you struggle to eat full belly let alone eat a nutritious diet. Bleeding is the scariest symptom to me. I feel numb as soon as I see blood coming with stool. I’m on the verge of giving up on my life. I’m a university student. I just finished my graduation and now pursuing MA. But this disease is killing me; I’m in total breakdown. I don’t know when I’ll give up everything and vanish forever. I can’t take it anymore. I’m always scared of the complications of this disease; specially of colon cancer. Why human life has to be so miserable?

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