I am so sorry you feel in this dispair. I do understand exactly how you feel as I have suffered quite a lot to with crohns, although fortunately I haven’t had to have any surgeries and I hope I never do. I have suffered crippling crippling beyond imaginable worse than any child birth and beyond, with excruciating stomach pains over the course of time I’ve had Crohns and constant bad gas problems where it’s near impossible to socialise properly without lots of disruption and annoyance. I have also felt a number of times exactly the same way as you - saying that exact same thing to myself BUT you mustn’t loose hope my friend, keep saying to yourself that relief is around the corner, a cure is around the corner, believe truly that miracles can happen too and in the mornings, even when you’re struggling, say positive things to yourself, positive affirmations like “I deserve to be healthy” “I am a fighter” “I deserve to be happy” “I am loved” “I will get through this” “power of now” “just breathe” “deep breathes help to ease the pain”. I’m sending much love your way and thinking of you at this very challenging time for you ❤️🙏