Advocating For Someone Else Part 2

In Part 1, when I thought of this title, I had my husband at the forefront of my mind. Why? Because he is absolutely useless at this!

His inability to advocate for me when I am unable to myself has probably played one of the biggest parts of any problems we've had. I wrote about how lack of advocating, from my husband, left me with resentment until I learned that every angst didn't need to feel like that.

From my husbands perspective

This is more of what he wrote:

Visits to the hospital became a regular thing for us after the birth of our son. Krystal was telling me that something wasn't right and she was very sick. Doctors telling me/us one thing and Krystal telling me/them another. I didn’t listen to her, and neither did they because the doctors are always right.

That’s just the way I always thought it was. I never for once thought she would know more about her body than a trained doctor. How wrong I was; after a certain hospital nearly killed her, we moved interstate to somewhere we thought she would get much better care. She did by the way. 

Even though the care was to a higher standard we still had regular visits to hospitals and I continued to listen more to the medical staff than the mother of my child. 2 years in and still not advocating for my wife. Again these times will live with me for life and I am not proud of them.  

What support in a relationship looks like to us

So apparently it did end up a list of what not to do... But the message that I think we're both saying is to support and love each other. That looks to us like respect, love, trust, and fight for the word of our loved one.

If that person is telling you that something isn't right, believe them unconditionally. Even if something else (upbringing, experiences, maybe even previous lies) is telling you otherwise, fight against it and take it on board; you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to. I've never met a sick person who likes being sick and out of control.

Loving someone with chronic illness

Love them; on their terms. If you don't know what they need or what that should look like, then it's much simpler than you realize; ask them what they need.

If you don't understand the request, as them for step by step instructions or clarification. There is nothing that feels more loving than having your needs met on your terms beyond another.

Respect for a partner

Respect them. That to me looks a lot like belief in them. You can't have one without the other.

When you respect them, you know you can trust their word. Respecting them can also look like acknowledging the differences between opinions, beliefs, or wants.

Respect their choices and love them despite the differences. Further, to me, that is also to respect me without needing to push your opinion or ideas onto me but to silently love me unless requested for that opinion/idea.

Support and caring for another person

Support, this follows up nicely I think. Supporting someone beyond yourself is a wonderfully loving and generous thing to do. It shows that you are putting our needs above your own.

It's also unconditional. It's to be there in a capacity that will work for you both.

Fighting for a loved ones needs

Now, I don't want you to all go out and start boxing all those who have scorned your loved one ;P but fighting for them-on their behalf- is an active way of showing all of the above. Fighting is not accepting those who try to dismiss your loved one but to hold the forte and not surrender your castle (metaphorically of course!).

Be their voice. It doesn't need to be approached in the way, specifically, that they would but anticipating their needs and sometimes demanding them, is a power like no other.

After all is said and done, this list is an example of the ways I feel someone could be advocated for, but that doesn't limit that those who need advocating for should not show the same to you.

You cannot expect to give without receiving those same things because at the end of the day, unless its a mutual meeting of those things, no one's needs will be met.

The mutual meeting isn't scorekeeping or meeting at a halfway point where everyone's needs are barely being met, but moving the scale up and down together for each other when relevant.