Angry

By Paul Richman

2 min read

I will admit I still get angry. I still get angry at the fact that about 5 years of my life was put on hold. I still get angry at the fact that I was told I would be out of the hospital in 5 days after my stomach surgery, only to stay there 366 days longer.

Angry about bathroom habits with Crohn's

I’m angry that I have to go to the bathroom 25 times a day. I have to deal with the constant thought of having a bathroom around me. I get angry that every time I go in the bathroom, somebody might hear the gas leaving my body.

Anger and embarassment after surgery and hospitalizations

I still deal with the daily struggle of having eyes on me as I take off my shirt, revealing the scars of my eleven surgeries.

I remember being in the hospital with a bowel obstruction and looking down the hallway to the hospital room with police officers outside. Apparently, there was a patient who was not doing well after a car accident. He literally ran over and killed two kids. But he was going to survive.

Frustrations around work and social life with Crohn's

I was angry when all my friends were out enjoying their senior year of college, heading to bars and socializing. I was in the hospital, learning how to replace my ostomy bag, and wondering if I was ever going to go home.

I am angry that most of my teacher friends will retire 10 years before me, even though we graduated and got jobs at the same time. I was angry at the fact that I had to have a 24-hour nurse at home, watching every move I make. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without her following me. I was angry.

Struggling and trying to accept Crohn's disease

Have I gotten better? Yes and no. I have accepted the fact that I have Crohn’s. I am still struggling with the fact that I have one of the worst cases. I still always ask the question: Why me?

I'm always asking myself the question: “Why am I behind in life?” So I would have to say that the emotional part of the disease has really taken a toll on me as of late.

I have tried group therapy, which helped a lot. I guess it is a day-by-day thing. If I am having a good day with my Crohn’s then I don’t think about resentment. If I am having a bad day, it’s all I think about. I do get jealous of what others have, and what I don’t have. Is that nice to say? No! But at least I admit it.

Like I spoke about in a previous article, I started taking yoga. I have also developed a love for reading, which allows me to unleash stress. Finally I will continue to think positive, as positive thinking calms the stomach.

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bobpiano Member
Paul, Your anger is understandable. IBD doesn't play favorites and it makes no promises. I can only share a thought that might be helpful: In order to have meaning in life (any life, with IBD or not), one has to find a way of turning that angry feeling into something positive that may be achieved by helping others. You have value in this world; even volunteering for a help-line might bring you some level of self-satisfaction. (BTW, when I was really experiencing bad flares of IBD, I'd start to play video games on my TV. The concentration that took temporarily overcame the pain; and if I paused the game to go the the bathroom, it'd still be there when I got back). Good luck to you on your journey.
sharon1971 Member
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am also finding myself very angry these days and depressed. I’m so sick of Crohns controlling my life. Congratulations on your up and coming wedding. Colorado Springs is a beautiful place to travel. I moved to Florida two years ago and I love the beaches. Clearwater is very pretty.
thedancingcrohnie Moderator & Contributor
Thank you for sharing this. I too have moments of anger. We are human. IBD is hard. Anger is an emotion that often comes with the circumstances. I have found that what helps me the most is realizing that I have to make a choice with the anger that creeps up. I either allow it to devour me, or I simply recognize it and use the "pain" for purpose. This is why I started a blog about IBD to spread awareness. I also decided I wanted to advocate for those with IBD and become a voice to those that don't have the strength. In doing this, I found that suddenly, all the pain I went through with my Crohn's diagnosis in a way had some purpose. I can now speak with authority about the disease and help others towards healing. You are incredibly strong and are a true warrior. Thank you for choosing to write and spread awareness and hope to others with IBD. It's important we remain transparent with each other, and you are doing just that. You are making such a difference! Wishing you the best. Always dancing, Elizabeth (team member)