Angry

Angry

I will admit I still get angry. I still get angry at the fact that about five years of my life was put on hold. I still get angry at the fact that I was told I would be out of the hospital in five days after my stomach surgery, only to stay there 366 more days longer.

I am angry

I’m angry that I have to go to the bathroom twenty five times a day. I have to deal with the constant thought of having a bathroom around me. I get angry that every time I go in the bathroom, somebody might hear the gas leaving my body.

I still get embarrassed

I still deal with the daily struggle of having eyes on me as I take off my shirt, revealing the scars of my eleven surgeries.

I get angry

I remember being the hospital with a bowel obstruction and looking down the hallway to the hospital room with police officers outside. Apparently there was a patient who was not doing well as he was recovering from a car accident. He literally ran over and killed two kids. But he was going to survive.

I was angry

I was angry when all my friends were out enjoying their senior year of college, heading to bars and socializing with females. I was in the hospital, learning how to replace my ostomy bag, and wondering if I was every going to go home.

I am angry

I am angry that most of my teacher friends will retire ten years before me, even though we graduated and got jobs at the same time. I was angry at the fact that I had to have a twenty-four hour nurse at home, watching every move I make. I couldn’t even go in the bathroom without her following me. I was angry.

Have I gotten better?

Yes and no. I have accepted the fact that I have Crohn’s. I am still struggling with the fact that I have one of the worst cases. I still always ask the question: Why me?

I still resent it

I’m always asking the question to myself: “Why am I behind in life?” So I would have to say that the emotional part of the disease has really taken a toll on me as of late. I have tried group therapy, which helped a lot. I guess it is a day-by-day thing. If I am having a good day with my Crohn’s then I don’t think about resentment. If I am having a bad day, it’s all I think about. I do get jealous of what others have, and what I don’t have. Is that nice to say? No! But at least I admit it.

So I have to try harder

Like I spoke about in a previous article, I started taking yoga. I have also developed a love for reading, which allows me to unleash stress. Finally I will continue to think positive, as positive thinking calms the stomach.

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