Angry.

Angry

I will admit I still get angry. I still get angry at the fact that about five years of my life was put on hold. I still get angry at the fact that I was told I would be out of the hospital in five days after my stomach surgery, only to stay there 366 more days longer.

I am angry

I’m angry that I have to go to the bathroom twenty five times a day. I have to deal with the constant thought of having a bathroom around me. I get angry that every time I go in the bathroom, somebody might hear the gas leaving my body.

I still get embarrassed

I still deal with the daily struggle of having eyes on me as I take off my shirt, revealing the scars of my eleven surgeries.

I get angry

I remember being the hospital with a bowel obstruction and looking down the hallway to the hospital room with police officers outside. Apparently there was a patient who was not doing well as he was recovering from a car accident. He literally ran over and killed two kids. But he was going to survive.

I was angry

I was angry when all my friends were out enjoying their senior year of college, heading to bars and socializing with females. I was in the hospital, learning how to replace my ostomy bag, and wondering if I was every going to go home.

I am angry

I am angry that most of my teacher friends will retire ten years before me, even though we graduated and got jobs at the same time. I was angry at the fact that I had to have a twenty-four hour nurse at home, watching every move I make. I couldn’t even go in the bathroom without her following me. I was angry.

Have I gotten better?

Yes and no. I have accepted the fact that I have Crohn’s. I am still struggling with the fact that I have one of the worst cases. I still always ask the question: Why me?

I still resent it

I’m always asking the question to myself: “Why am I behind in life?” So I would have to say that the emotional part of the disease has really taken a toll on me as of late. I have tried group therapy, which helped a lot. I guess it is a day-by-day thing. If I am having a good day with my Crohn’s then I don’t think about resentment. If I am having a bad day, it’s all I think about. I do get jealous of what others have, and what I don’t have. Is that nice to say? No! But at least I admit it.

So I have to try harder

Like I spoke about in a previous article, I started taking yoga. I have also developed a love for reading, which allows me to unleash stress. Finally I will continue to think positive, as positive thinking calms the stomach.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The InflammatoryBowelDisease.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

View Comments (3)
  • thedancingcrohnie moderator
    2 months ago

    Thank you for sharing this. I too have moments of anger. We are human. IBD is hard. Anger is an emotion that often comes with the circumstances.

    I have found that what helps me the most is realizing that I have to make a choice with the anger that creeps up. I either allow it to devour me, or I simply recognize it and use the “pain” for purpose. This is why I started a blog about IBD to spread awareness. I also decided I wanted to advocate for those with IBD and become a voice to those that don’t have the strength. In doing this, I found that suddenly, all the pain I went through with my Crohn’s diagnosis in a way had some purpose. I can now speak with authority about the disease and help others towards healing.

    You are incredibly strong and are a true warrior. Thank you for choosing to write and spread awareness and hope to others with IBD. It’s important we remain transparent with each other, and you are doing just that. You are making such a difference!

    Wishing you the best.

    Always dancing,
    Elizabeth (team member)

  • Sharon1971
    4 months ago

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am also finding myself very angry these days and depressed. I’m so sick of Crohns controlling my life. Congratulations on your up and coming wedding. Colorado Springs is a beautiful place to travel. I moved to Florida two years ago and I love the beaches. Clearwater is very pretty.

  • bobpiano
    4 months ago

    Paul,
    Your anger is understandable. IBD doesn’t play favorites and it makes no promises.
    I can only share a thought that might be helpful: In order to have meaning in life (any life, with IBD or not), one has to find a way of turning that angry feeling into something positive that may be achieved by helping others. You have value in this world; even volunteering for a help-line might bring you some level of self-satisfaction.
    (BTW, when I was really experiencing bad flares of IBD, I’d start to play video games on my TV. The concentration that took temporarily overcame the pain; and if I paused the game to go the the bathroom, it’d still be there when I got back).
    Good luck to you on your journey.

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