What I Would Change

I’ve been through a lot with my condition. By far, it is one of the best and worst things that’s ever happened to me in life. With as much trouble as it’s gotten me in, I’ve always tried to normalize it in some way.

I would change the way I hid my painful condition from others

In the past, I really cared about what people thought of me. So much so that I would go to crazy extremes to hide the reality of my very painful life. Do I regret it? While I always say I’m grateful for my journey [because it’s gotten me to the place I am at today], there are bits and pieces I would tweak a little bit.

I would certainly change the way I hid my condition for so long. It caused me so much pain to hide something so big. Mentally and physically. It hurt. It was more than just the pain of the constant inflammation, surgeries, needles, etc. It was more than just the pain of living a lie. It was the emotional scars I left by forcing myself to appear as something I’m not. At the time that something was: healthy. I pushed my body so hard just to make it through the day. A day of work. A day with friends. Because I pushed so hard, I would usually end my day curled up somewhere in my home, in tears with regret on the mind.

I would change my negative image of myself

I would change the way I looked at myself. Because of all the pain my condition caused me, I simply wasn’t able to see the beauty in me. I couldn’t see how beautiful I truly was: inside and out. Instead, I looked at myself with disgust. I saw myself as a let down. All I could think about was how I was constantly letting myself down and those around me. My condition wasn’t just my own, it was that of those around me.

I would change how I treated others

I would change how my condition caused me to treat others. In many ways, my condition made me a better person, but in many ways, it made me worse. I became impatient. I didn’t mean to, but I honestly couldn’t help it. I didn’t have time to waste like everyone else. I couldn’t spend more time on others because my body simply wouldn’t allow it.

I would change how I questioned the world

I would probably change the way I looked at the world. Because I was in so much pain, I had no choice but to question the world, life. Why me? Of all people, why did I have to suffer so much? What did I possibly do to deserve a life so bad? I became increasingly angry. Bitter with the world and everyone in it. I wasn’t able to see the beauty in life because I wasn’t able to see the beauty in myself [and vise versa].

I can't change the past

I’m so proud of who and where I  am today. And while I know I can’t change my past, I try to remind myself of it. I never want to forget where I came from. I always want to remember what it took to get here and how easily it can be taken away.