A toilet paper roll and a poop emoji are laughing and looking at each other while standing on a closed toilet. There is a microphone in front of them. It mimics the look and feels of a comedy standup routine.

Funny Toilet Stories

One of the biggest challenges of living with Crohn's is finding a decent bathroom. Below is a collection of some of the worst bathroom situations I've had to deal with and how I managed to handle each scenario.

The toilet horrors of public transit

My first story takes place on the Long Island Railroad. Have you ever had to go to the bathroom on a train going 80 miles per hour? Using the toilet on a shaky train barreling towards Suffolk County is challenging enough. Throw in a bathroom that lacks a toilet seat, thereby requiring you to hover, and you suddenly have the type of challenge you’d expect to see on "Survivor."

Adding insult to injury, it was a tiny, steel bowl filled to the brim with excrement. As it was urgent, I went anyway, completing the deed only after nearly falling over on three separate occasions. Of course, adding another insult to injury, no toilet paper. Just a single paper towel square that I had to use repeatedly even though very irritating to my inflamed backside. And finally, the cherry on top, the water in the sink didn’t work. Needless to say, it was a long ride home.

I had another nightmare situation on a Greyhound bus. (Already not the best place to be using a restroom.) On this occasion, I had to go even though there was no toilet paper. Nor was there soap with which to wash my hands. As if all this wasn't enough, after I was all done and on my way out, I couldn’t open the bathroom door. That’s right. For 25 minutes or so I struggled, believing I was permanently stuck in there!

IBD in Israel

Many years ago, I was traveling on a trip through Israel with a group. We got to the bathroom break and there was a long line to use the toilets. When I finally got in the stall, a girl, tired of waiting for the women’s bathroom, started knocking on my stall door in the men's bathroom. She said it was an emergency.

My sense of chivalry suggested, "Ladies first." While my Crohn's suggested, "You're not leaving this toilet, punk." I compromised, finishing up as fast as possible.

Suddenly there was a new problem... The toilet wouldn't flush. More banging on the door. Cries of, "Hurry!" I played with the handle, kicked the toilet, nothing. Eventually, at loss for what to do, I let her use it with the remains of my business clogging the eyesore.

Needless to say, when I tried to dance with her at an event that evening, it didn't exactly go swimmingly.

A porta potty push

No porta potty is great. But this one had a smell that made a crematorium seem like a flower shop. Of course, it was overloaded with excrement.

Meanwhile, I was having bloody diarrhea. There I am hovering over the bowl, holding my sides, trying to squirt out bloody sludge when someone pushed open the door and barged in on me. They rolled their eyes then slammed the door shut like they'd just seen a poltergeist.

Flooding a toilet at Starbucks

Nothing wrong with most Starbucks bathrooms. Actually, I’m generally a fan. Much better than McDonald’s or Wendy’s. On this day, though, my great run of relying on the toilets in Starbucks came to an end.

I’d just delivered the motherload into the water temple, stood, and flushed – when the water decided to leave the temple. That’s right... The damn toilet flooded!

I tried to stop it, but it was too late. Before I could find a nob to turn off the water, my excrement and toilet water soaked the entire bathroom. A veritable swamp of sewage. It was like wading through my own personal hell. My crap was literally everywhere.

When I opened the door, there was a long line to use the john. It’s embarrassing to admit now, but I decided to flee. That’s right. I ran like hell. Sucks for the next guy who had to use it, I know, but I was just too embarrassed to hang around.

Sometimes we need to laugh

These are just a few of the shenanigans I've faced over the years with IBD. Please share your own funny toilet stories, if you so wish, as it is better to laugh at this nonsense than let it get the best of us. Thanks for reading, and, as always, feel free to comment below.

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