Paper Products Princess

Confession time ... I’m a toilet paper snob.

Yep, it’s true. For this UC sufferer, I possess real discriminating tastes towards the paper products I use in the "nether regions."

Call me a princess if you want. But after 30+ years of living with an IBD, I believe I’ve earned the right to pick and choose the loo paper that won’t leave my bum chafed and raw. Life, in general, is "raw" enough.

So, why not be picky about the products I use? Especially when in the midst of a UC flare.

Tales of the traveling tush

As the spouse of someone whose job required a great deal of road travel, I’ve enjoyed years of traversing parts of the United States. Within these expeditions, hotel stays have presented problems for this sufferer. The one-ply-rule of public-restroom-law just doesn’t agree with someone who spends an exorbitant amount of time in there.

Over the years, I grew aggravated by the “notebook paper” I confronted on each venture. Would these toilet rolls be handy for composing letters to pen pals? Or for capturing some poignant potty poetry? Absolutely! But rubbing on one’s rump? Absolutely not!

Over time, there’s only so much scraping and scratching this rear of mine could take. So, what’s a tender-natured, sensitive tush to do? A simple solution exists ...

Why not travel with my preferred paper product?

I’m not sure exactly at what age I had this aha moment, but I’m embarrassed to say that I suffered in silence for way too many years.

Let me be honest, I’m NOT receiving any compensation for the brand name I’m about to mention. Everyone possesses his or her own preference. Every derrière is different.

With that stated, I admit that only the Charmin line-up will do for this “Potty Princess.” Yes, I realize I spend more money for the Ultra Soft and Mega Roll products, but when it comes to my patootie, I spare no expense. Cut no corners. No can do.

A classic UC moment

I think this not-so-ingenious idea came after one embarrassing roadside moment. I experienced a flat tire along a rather busy highway. Mechanical mishap occurred. Anxiety levels spiked. UC monster kicked into gear. This chick needed to go ... IMMEDIATELY.

What’s in my car? Only a roll of paper towels.

I snatched the roll, grabbed my then 10-year-old son’s hand and demanded he climb the hill with me along the highway. Tree! I need a tree! Nope, no trees. Just scrub brush everywhere.

So, I ordered my son to turn his back to me and squatted in the brush behind him. This provided the necessary shield I needed to allow my UC to find relief.

Gotta have that road roll

Yes, thankfully I had paper towels. But what if I traveled with something not quite as harsh or abrasive?

After that urgent incident, I resolved to no longer leave home without my necessary companion: a roll of Charmin. It sits in its own caddy located right behind my driver’s seat and is protected from any road dust by a Ziploc bag.

It’s readily available when any driving distress occurs. It can also be carried into any hotel that I might need to stay in for a certain length of time. I’m not sure why it took so long to consider carrying this particular car companion, but I’ve learned that every life experience is here to teach a lesson.

A flat tire and years of walking around with a chafed booty finally taught this slow learner to come “packin'.” So, if you see me squatting alongside the highway of life, know that I can always spare more than a square.