Road to Recovery

Trigger Warning
The content includes information related to mental and emotional distress and it might be upsetting to some people. If you or someone you know have thoughts of suicide, have attempted suicide, or experience emotional distress, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273–TALK (8255) or Live Online Chat.To get general information on mental health and to locate treatment services in your area, contact SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline – 1–877–SAMHSA7 (1–877–726–4727).

I’m in the eye of the storm.

The impact and trauma that my life and health have had on me have finally taken its toll. I've been resilient, defiant, strong, weak, fought hard, and everything in between.

Facing mental health challenges

It seems like it’s only getting worse. The chaos, the extra noise in my head, the trauma, the self-discovery, the guilt, the fear, the unknown.

I've had to face it all again. I don't have a victim mentality, but maybe I was wrong? I never knew that the body remembers despite what my brain tells me. I never thought I was traumatized, never thought of myself as a victim, and thought I had moved on from my experiences in life.

But although the moments in life that caused the said trauma and impact, have been processed, unfortunately, the wounding and emotional impact weren’t processed.

How can I move past trauma?

When I’m vulnerable, I go to a place where I feel exposed, alone, and numb. My brain tells me that I have no one. I’m alone, no one likes me, etc. It’s not that I’m wrong in feeling something negative towards whatever, but the impact and wounding I allow myself or tell myself that has happened is.

It becomes all or nothing - mostly nothing.

I go numb.

I retreat.

I become a victim of my own white noise. My own storytelling.

But not anymore.

It’s a process. I have a plan of attack. I need to grow and learn more.

But without dredging it all up and exposing it all how can I truly move past it or grow? Without the help of an expert, how can I know the things I've clearly been unaware of?

How Crohn's disease has impacted my mental health

It’s all tied in together - my Crohn's disease and my mental health. I have been unaware and somewhat delusional about how badly being sick has impacted my general mental health. On reflection and further understanding, it's almost like a functioning addict - I'm a functional crazy person ;P

As hard as it is and how little fun it feels on this path, I’m grateful for the growth and knowledge.

The importance of counseling for mental health

I am always striving to be the best version of myself. I couldn’t have done it without being willing to learn and grow, or without the honesty of friends, and most importantly an exceptional counselor. I’ve always said how important counseling is and finding the right one for YOU.

I’ve seen so many different counselors over the years who I thought were great. But then I met my counselor Amy. She is the first to really dig deep and explain how truly trauma has impacted me. I wish I understood what I do now earlier, but maybe I'm only just now in a place that I can understand it?

On my way to recovery

I don’t want to be that person anymore. It hasn't been a healthy place to live in and I’m grateful for it all. I needed a bit of help getting over the other side of my depression so I started taking antidepressants. 

Taking antidepressants has not removed the issues, but allowed me to not feel like I’m drowning in it all. I don't "feel" different, but I'm aware of how different I feel and respond to overwhelming situations that may have gotten the better of me previously.

It’s all a process but at least I’m on my way.