Do you wait for the other shoe to drop too?

Life is not always smooth sailing. Some days I wondered what I did in a past life to deserve this one or even wondered if I have paid my dues yet?! My best friend likes to say to me: 'you must have done something pretty bad in a past life!' IM SORRY!!! Did that help?!

It all goes wrong at once

Generally, if it's going to go wrong, it will go wrong with me. For example, I all of a sudden became allergic at 35 to washing powder and morphine. Yep. How many times over my life have I been exposed to those 2 things?!

I always thought that maybe I didn't deserve good things to happen in my life. It's a feeling that has stuck with me since a child. I never really felt 'worthy'.

It didn't help that at 14 I was a homeless, sick teenager. I was a hot mess mentally so of course, so was my body.

Excuse me while I get a little melodramatic here!

I was that 14-15 year old girl alone on a toilet in her own rental, holding onto a bucket not quite sure which end it would come out of first. I was that girl that was missing from most of her classes at school. I was the girl who missed making it home to the toilet on time. Why would it always come out so close to home?! Do you think my body was trying to play games with me? Maybe it was a battle of wills?

The pain was unbearable

For 8 years, every time I went to the toilet, it was like the excruciating pain in my stomach was poison coursing through. I'd sit on the toilet for hours and feel the poison leaving my body, only for it to return the moment I stood up. I remember the moments that I would scream and cry out in pain. I do remember the sweet moments of my boyfriend picking me up off the toilet to carry me to the shower. I couldn't even wash myself.

Those days were all mentally torturous and there is not enough acknowledgment of how exhausting that alone is.

Surgery and accepting my new body

But at 22 years old, I had my first surgery. I was single and had the ability to mentally get to know the new view, the new way my body worked and who I was without taking on anyone else's thoughts.

I had a total proctocolectomy and permanent Ileostomy and had 6kgs of diseased bowel removed along with my rectum - queue my fav part! The butt jokes!!! :P

Joke #1 the only asshole I have now is... My darling hubby ;P

joke #2 when hubby says (look away now shy people!) if you had a butt... My reply is always "baby, you find it you can have it!"

Surgery, stitches, and a new life

Let me be straight. I would have to say the worst part of having surgery is having your anus removed; they don't use dissolvable stitches.... Having my stitches removed was almost like they were refashioning a new anus! PAINFUL!

My first surgery, as painful as it was, gave me a life. Having surgery literally saved my life and was the best thing to ever happen to me. I got to experience life and learn who I was beyond a sick girl.

Surgey gave me freedom

After surgery, I moved to Darwin to start Uni a few months later, then a year later to Greece! I spent 3 years in Greece and the U.K. I became a woman during those years after being suppressed by illness and trauma. Now I was free!!

Pregnancy and Crohn's

In August 2010, I came back to Australia and met the love of my life! Then 3 dates later I was pregnant with our son!

Pregnancy with Lukas was fine. I was still in surgical remission and still had no symptoms of Crohn's after 5 years. I felt mostly good up until 37 weeks when I started getting a burning pain alongside my Stoma. I was induced at 39 weeks and delivered our son after a grueling 22.5hrs of labor (So up yours to the doctor who said I couldn't deliver vaginally! I've done it twice now!).

That burning pain alongside my stoma turned out to be a tiny hole in my bowel and 2x 5cm abscesses. The fecal matter had been leaking into my abdomen causing the abscesses. I had to go interstate while our son was 6 months old for it to be discovered, even though I'd been back and forth to the Crohn's specialist.

Luckily, our second pregnancy was a joy and I had an amazing team!

The good now outweighs the bad

To the point; since meeting the love of my life, the blessings finally out weigh the bad! We've gotten married and now have 2 beautiful kiddies! I did have to learn to feel worthy of the good times and that there may be bumps along the road, but not to focus on waiting for the other shoe to drop; so to speak. I've had to stop waiting and anticipating something bad to happen.

At least these days my amazing best friend is pleased she doesn't have to hear me crying on the phone to her anymore, saying I'm never going to get married or have babies! ;P