I can’t dream of continuing to live like this

"I can’t dream of continuing to live like this." Yeah.. that’s what I’ve been telling my loved ones. But it’s as real as I can be! I’m miserable. Everyday. And I don’t know why.

Gonna try to sum up 30+ years in a paragraph. I’m “Allie”, as my friends call me. 31 years old. Since 8 years of age I’ve had gut issues. Diarrhea. Upset stomach. My mother said it’s nerves. I had been sexually assaulted and all of it was said to be psychological. Makes sense right? I thought so. 25 years later - same issues. And new ones. Severe, like days of vomiting. Now I’m afraid to eat. Matter of fact I have them listed there are so many issues and odd things going on. I’m no doctor but seems to be Crohn's. My father has it.

Never did any doctors appointments for this. Instead I did counseling all these years. Well I reached a moment, something else is going on here.

I think I’m having some kind of flare right now? Let me tell you what the last week has been like for me, and tell me what you think.

Throwing up for three days straight. Can’t eat. No food for three days. Doctor said “ if you throw up again tomorrow, go to ER” day 4- I feel pretty good. Not a big appetite. Then diarrhea. Pain. Bloating. Now last two days of the week vomiting again and now constipation.

Now how in the heck does the body go from one extreme to another day to day?

Oh, I’ve lost 18 lbs in 3 weeks! Something is going on, I know it! Now 20 years later my mother says “stomach flu” 🙄

I’m starting doc appts and tests for the first time in my life. So far everything has come back normal. Slightly elevated blood test for ADA inflammation which can be normal, I guess. I have endo and colonoscopy test this week. The first day I met my doctor he said “he doesn’t believe in IBS” which turned me off as I believe in this condition. He doesn’t seem to really listen to me and I already have doubts. My family wants me to get a new GI doctor.

I waited too long. I waited till I was miserably uncomfortable and lost in this pain. I’m discouraged to find out what’s wrong. I read stories of people struggling for decades to figure it out. And still sometimes they get back and forth answers.

Some of you voice your frustration of waiting years, decades for answers and here I am half a year in and I want to give up. I feel this pain, discomfort, exhaustion, stress has consumed me and I have nothing left to give!

I’m going to post my symptoms at the bottom in case those are not interested in reading. What’s your thoughts?

Cramping in abdomen that moves to back
Feeling full very very quickly while eating
Cramping after eating
Onset of diarrhea after eating (not consistent)
Loss of appetite
Weight loss
Mouth sores
No desire to eat out of fear of discomfort
Chills and sweats - this is not constant but when I’m having a bad reaction day
Fatigue even with 10+ hours of sleep
Memory loss - this has worsened greatly in the last several months
Muscle Soreness all over. Very bad in legs. All day.
Left toe constant numbness
Anxiety caused by symptoms
Depression caused by symptoms
Irritability caused by symptoms

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