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Why I Wanted to Die

I am a strong Christian and I believe in life after death. From 2010 until my Crohn’s diagnose in 2014, I really wanted to die; living in heaven with God would definitely be better than my painful life here on earth. The previous years, from 1995-2010, I was diagnosed with reflux and took prescription meds for it, but it did not relieved the pain behind my belly button, which I thought was where my stomach was. I went to several GIs who all said I had reflux. About 10 times a month I would have to unbutton my pants to relieve the pain a tight waist caused. Of course my husband made fun of this. I retired in 2007 and had some gut pain but my GI still said Reflux. My husband retired in 2010 and he desperately wanted to go to NY city for a week as we had a free place to stay. The Monday before I awoke with terrible pain and depression. Each day it became worse. So I phoned my GI, asking for something to relieve my depression. He put me on a strong antidepressant.

We went to a concert at Carnegie Hall. I was in such pain and depression we left at intermission and I went to bed. Then my Restless Leg started, so strong I did not sleep all night. And I wanted to die. So my husband made a reservation on the Acela (fastest train and most expensive) and we were soon home. I went to bed. When I awoke at 10 p.m. I was in terrible pain and wanted to die. So we went to the Emergency Ward at a local hospital where they whisked me to the psychiatric ward and gave me some antidepressant that took my pain away plus my depression! I was shocked that 1 little pill could help so much. But it was an opioid and they gave me none to take home but told me to take daily classes at the local psychiatric hospital. I did, and was prescribed another antidepressant and Clonazepam.

I felt better, but not much…

The classes were on behavior modification and I learned to think more positive but my pain did not go away. In 2 months I lost 30 pounds. I still wanted to die. Finally, over the next 4 years I visited a naturopathic dr. who clued me into eliminating foods which helped some. I also visited an acupuncturist which helped only during treatment, a Psychotherapist who did not help at all, a Music therapist who did not help at all, and finally, got a 2nd opinion from a GI who said I had IBS. So I looked on Facebook and found IBS: FODMAP. That diet helped me a lot but I still had pain. My GI was terminated by the hospital so I had no GI. I tried a nutritionist who tweaked my FODMAP diet and told me about a GI who would take me immediately. Other GIs I called gave me appointments 6 months away. So I saw a GI, Dr. Rai, who listened to my story and said he could help me. He gave me a colonoscopy and endoscopy, then a pill camera. Two months after starting with Dr. Rai, he showed me the pill camera results. I had 9 ulcers in my small intestine! I was so happy to be diagnosed I cried. I thought ulcers were

Little did I know…

After going through all the levels of treatment for Crohn’s, I still had pain and was still depressed and still wanted to die. I tried a diet of only Peptamen. It did not stop the pain. Finally I was put on prednisone which gave me my first real relief from pain, but made me unable to sleep. So my Dr. sent me to his friend who ran a pain clinic and I was put on Butrans which was a miracle drug, had no side effects and stopped my pain. But Butrans, an opioid, only helps for 4 months so after that the pain came back. But I was in a much better place: I had a diagnosis, had some days with no pain. I started gaining weight, now weigh 120 pounds which is good for me. And my state, Maryland, made marijuana available for medical purposes, so I am using it and find it keeps my pain under control, through trial and testing. I still have to watch what I eat and I still have abnormal fatigue, but I really want to live and feel the Lord wants to me to live also!

Life is still not easy and I look healthy so people don’t realized I am sick, but that’s ok. I am 74 and don’t have to have lots of energy as I did when young and working. And I am not taking any prednisone! I believe the Lord led me through each period of severe pain and depression and kept me hoping that someday I would feel myself.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.


  • crystal.harper moderator
    2 months ago

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us, I’m sure it’s not easy but I really believe that by doing so, you are helping so many others to know they aren’t alone. I’m glad you finally found a doctor who gave you a proper diagnosis. I can only imagine the emotional toll this disease takes on people and I’m happy to hear that you stayed persistent in trying so many things to get even just a little bit of relief. Thanks again for sharing your story!

  • Julie Marie Palumbo moderator
    3 months ago

    What a journey, Gail! Thank you so much for sharing all that you have gone through, and I am thrilled to hear that, despite it taking so long, you have a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

    I completely understand how Crohn’s can cause depression, as I had a bout of it years ago (I was already diagnosed with Crohn’s) and it really knocked me off my feet for a while. I still see a therapist once a month, which helps a lot, despite being in remission for years. Sometimes we just need extra help in more than one way in dealing with this disease 😉

    –Julie (Team Member)

  • GrandmaGail author
    3 months ago

    What do you discuss with your therapist? I tried one and we did not know what to discuss!

  • thedancingcrohnie moderator
    3 months ago


    Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being so open. My heart breaks for you and all that you have endured. Crohn’s is so incredibly hard, as I too was diagnosed years ago, and sometimes it feels like things will never get better.

    I commend you for continuing to fight and to get to where you are today. You are such a warrior.

    Please keep us posted with how you are doing. I am so happy that you have found relief with medical marijuana. I use hemp oil daily and find it to be extremely helpful for my inflammation. Stay strong, and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers.

    You have this community rooting for you!

    Always dancing,
    Elizabeth (team member)

  • GrandmaGail author
    3 months ago

    Thank you Elizabeth. I appreciate your understand and sympathy. You sound as if you have gone through This awful Crohnic disease also. God be with you!

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